Sunday, 21 December 2008
Saturday, 20 December 2008
Friday, 19 December 2008
2. Höll du några av dina nyårslöften?
Tror väl att det var mest tillbakabetalning av skulder på min lista över nyårslöften... Och lite har ju betalats tillbaka.
34. De bästa nya människorna du träffade?
Sunday, 14 December 2008
Saturday, 13 December 2008
Friday, 12 December 2008
Monday, 8 December 2008
This last week I watched the whole first season of Heroes, and a couple of episodes from season two. Great stuff. Exept for the total fail when one character comes to Cork. Filmed in Limerick. Hmpf. Totally wrong accents and everything. And it's really annoying that they always have to throw in a bit of romantic props that look "Irish", like a crook wearing a baker boy cap and stuff like that. People here don't look at all like they do in american minds. Surprise surprise.
The christmas party was super fun.
It's really hard to write when I don't want to tell what my fingers wants to write.
Can't let go.
Listening to: Mr. Vegas - Raging Bull
Sunday, 7 December 2008
Monday, 1 December 2008
But apart from that sunday night was great. Me and Ida went for a beer before we went to the movies but we never made it to the movies. Sunday day was equally good with Heroes and knitting all day.
Saturday was gingerbread mayhem! All day! And now Maria is gone and I miss her but I started my training today and it's interesting to sit over there, several metres away, and listen to Hannah's calls.
Also; if you live in Cork, or visit Cork, ever - go to The Berries and have their Hotpot. Best chilli ever. Really.
Listening to: N*E*R*D - Time for some action
Saturday, 29 November 2008
Wednesday, 26 November 2008
Normal in ths situation being shutting up about how I feel until I reach my limit and it repeats.
I can't really talk about it. I am surrounded by people who care about me and who I care about but I don't tell them anything and I feel kinda bad shutting them out but I don't have a choice.
But I'm cool. I hold it together. I have a stable ground of happiness to build myself on.
It's strange, to be happy and still hurt so much.
And I'm sorry but it does really hurt. Of course it hurts. I can't think of anything but you.
Today work was kinda slow. I got a really nice email saying that my support was great and stuff. I was a bit insane and funny and it's really easy to be happy in my workplace. It's so nice to have Ida and Hannah back. And me and Maria ate taco fries for dinner, and gingerbread (peppercookie!) dough for dessert while watching Buffy and Angel. I'm almost done knitting a baby hat for Carolines baby again since the first one I did was to small. After that I'm going to finish three christmas presents, and then I'll have to take it easy with the knitting for a while if I want to finish all the christmas cards and stuff...
And I'm dreaming about going to America, or getting lazer eye surgery. But I get my new glasses on friday and they are so gorgeous that I might want to keep my bad eye sight. So I'll probably just keep paying debts untill they're payed.
Tomorrow I'm making gingerbread dough, not the kind I ate today, which is prefab, but the real real kind, that's tricky to make without a machine. But I'll give it my best. And hopefully I'll make it. And maybe have a beer with Ida later. On friday, exept for getting my glasses, we have a team dinner, which will probably be awesome, as they tend to be.
There. Back to normal.
Listening to: Tracy Chapman - Collection
Sunday, 23 November 2008
I feel that I can safely share that this weekend is christmas cleaning weekend. And that I had a sight test today. And that I payed a debt.
When I catch up with reality I'll write about all the stuff that's going on, which is mostly work stuff.
And also... just so much. Nowhere to start.
Exausted I sleep instead
Friday, 21 November 2008
And today Ida came home from her two month vacation in the big world, and Hannah too.
And tonight there's a party at Fransiscan Wells for a lot of people who quit at the same time.
And tomorrow there's a party at some french guy's house and there's some going out going on but me and Maria are chillin' since we're doing our christmas cleaning this weekend.
And I'm still so tired I could sleep and work there is some drama and it makes me sad and more tired and other things make me tired as well... And work is slow and I am slow and sometimes I really want to have someone, but there's really no one here that I want.
Thursday, 20 November 2008
Sunday, 16 November 2008
Saturday, 15 November 2008
It is soon tree thirty (half three in irish) and I got home a very short while ago. I should really go to bed.
Instead I listen to Smashing Pumpkins, eat chocolate and drink water.
Lots of red wine and very little food is never a good idea. At least I did eat something. Last friday I just... forgot about that.
Maria was still awake when I got home. And I talked a bit to my brother on msn. He seemed to have had a lousy night whereas mine was splendid up until I had a serious lack of judgement-moment. Comes with the drunk maybe. I should get my contacts out.
My head hurts.
I write a whole lot of crap when I'm drunk that no one should read. And I'm smart enough to delete it.
I miss you.
Listening to: Apart from Smashing Pumpkins, Cowboy Junkies.
Thursday, 13 November 2008
Today was a better day than the last few days! Energy, happyness. Spent a little to much time reading the Failblog. Spent almost fifty minutes on a call with a customer who had a very basic model that she did not touch during the entire call. She was a nice lady but I really did'nt feel like being a psychiatrist today. It was really frustrating. My problem is that I really want to help people. This is not a plus when you work in customer support. It's great for customers but not for me. Or, not for my avarege handling time, at least.
Last night I had a lot of dreams. I dreamt of rats and spiders and I dreamt that I was driving a car from the backseat. Or, I was in the backseat, realizing I was supposed to be driving and the car is picking up speed. This is something I've dreamt many times before, in diferent settings. The major differences was that this time I wasn't alone in the car, it was a quite big car, and I easily managed to reach the break, and the wheel. I stopped the car and even parked it neatly at the side of the road, and got out and walked to the drivers seat.
Now I know that everybody even remotely interested in the hidden (or totally obvious) meanings in dreams go "Oh wow!" right about now, and yeah, symbolically it was pretty neat, and yeah, a feeling of control is definitely more present in my life now than it used to be when I was broke, unemployed and lonely - no big surprises.
The thing was that the car lacked breaks. It had the manual one I pulled in the more emergency-ish situation of driving from the backseat, but it had no real pedal break, exept for something that looked slightly like a peice of cardboard, stuck to one of the wheels.
Anyone feel like analyzing? Please, feel free to explain lots of dead rats and spiders as well. And a relative that appeared, a middle aged man with long hair and a beard. (No Robin, not you, I said middle aged!) He also had a cowboy hat. I think he gave me the car, or lent it to me, or something. (This was not actually a relitive that I have in reality.)
Tribes with Sandra, Maria and Viola was great! Had a couple of glasses of wine, Philly steak cheese, (with bbq sauce, nomnom) and a peice of banoffi pie (delicious cake!) and knitted a lot. Junta is win.
Oh bother. I write like a total nerd. Woe. Woe is me. I blame wine and the late hour. Why am I even still awake?!
Delicious cake!!! (Let me be clear about one thing though - the banoffi pie I had today did not contain bananas, which made it edible to me, since bananas are absolutely disgusting. Also the cream was a bit different from ordinary cream. It was like the cream in southern Swedish "Gräddbullar".)
This post actually failed twice and is now published almost 24 hours after the first version was actually written.
Listening to: When written: Sun Ra. That guy invented new levels of interesting. Basically it's impossible to explain, exept using the words "he is from Saturn". Yes. Saturn. When published: Cowbuy Junkies - The Trinity Session.
Wednesday, 12 November 2008
So here are some pics of Team Kamprad's adventure to Great Britain where they talk funny and pay in pounds and have strange ways of measuring things.
Sweet weather on the way up!
This is probably only funny if you're Swedish.
View from the resturant. That's all for today.
Listening to: Gogol Bordello - Huliganjetta
Strange, zooming back through time like that. Totally unexpected.
Anyhow the comment was a total spam.
No lasagna today as I was feeling almost ill. Tired, headache, woozy. The woozy could be the painkillers though. Pizza instead. Yummy peperoni with barbeque sauce.
Listening to: The washing machine.
Tuesday, 11 November 2008
Well, I admit, that was not actually very interesting.
Anyhow, more interesting is what we had for dinner today! Wonderful, beautiful lamb! Superb! So I felt it was time for some recipe sharing!
salt and pepper
Slice the potatoes, put in a pan with oil, a bit of wine, salt, pepper and rosemary and put in the oven for 10-20 minutes (depending on size) on 200 degrees celsius.
Take the pan out and put in pressed garlic and a couple of whole garlic bits, more wine, lamb, lots of rosemary, some more oil, more salt and pepper, some other spices if you feel like it; a bit of chilli maybe, soy sauce, some Worchestershire sauce. Put it back in the oven for another 10 minutes.
Take out and put on quite thin slices of haloumi. Put back in for 5 more minutes.
Now if you feel like it change the times, they are not very exact, and it's really a question of taste and sizes of the ingredients. And you might want to make gravy out of the "sauce" but it's really nice just as it is.
Well. Today I finished knitting two itsy bitsy baby hats, I'll post photos when I remember to, and I bought new knitting needles (the kind with a "cord" between them) and a book with patterns! And some really really beautiful yarn... The same kind as I have in my hat but in other colours. I have a plan of making an oversized turtleneck-ish scarf kind of thing. Can't really explain it but yeah, you know, photos when I remember to take them.
Tomorrow I'm finally making lasagna, me and Maria have been talking about it for ages, and Maria's baking this weeks friday cake. On thursday we have a junta-meeting at Tribes!
And so life goes on...
It's pretty strange, how it's so easy to beleive that friendship is like bone, or like a thick rope, you just know that whatever happens this particular person means so much to you that shit just can't come between you. And then there's misunderstandings and minor fights and frustrations and all of a sudden you realize - he is actually avoiding me. And there's not so much to do. You realize that friendship is like spiderwebs. Complicated, beautiful and easy to break.
Somehow I don't think this is the end of it though. It feels more like we might need some space, and it's probably going to be okay in a while. At least I really really hope so. But to be honest I think the space is good for the both of us. As long as it's not permanent.
In the meantime... so foolish. So foolish of me to think that I could actually "get over" you. Play me soft songs in the middle of the night, climb in through my window, kiss me when I don't expect it. You are all I want.
Listening to: The Be Good Tanyas (new favourites yes) - all of their albums, on shuffle. Oh your god it's good! It's like... Well, like David Eugene Edwards if he was a number of women and not religous, maybe. Like 16 Horspower with a bit of Leonard Cohen and some more folk influences and beautiful lyrics and banjos! (I love banjos.) And, like creamy silky souly and very emotional, longing perfume for my ears these beautiful voices. Sometimes in southern dialects even though theyr'e Canadian.
Monday, 10 November 2008
Which would probably be a good reason to go to bed now, no?
Today I made sweet potato curry for dinner for myself and my nerd family. Sweet potatoes are really good with curry, Just boil em', add whatever you feel like and creme fraiche and lots of curry. Make it spicy with lots of black pepper, chilli and tandoori spice mix.
After dinner we played wow, of course. Me and Olof have started new characters together, a gnome warrior and a dwarf preist. (If you know anything about us, or wow, or preferrably both, you'll probably guess which one was which.)
Best thing today was a long visit to the Quay Co-op with Maria on our way home from work. We found lots of nice stuff! Tea, chocolate, haloumi, potato flour (which we had heard did not even exist on Ireland) and much more. The thing I love about the Quay Co-op is that they cover everything. They have great substitutes for allergic people, whatever you're allergic to, everything is organically grown, they have a lot of locally produced stuff, they have unusual stuff like spelt pasta shaped like the Simpsons and vegan pesto and Dulce de Leche and... Well, potato flour. And a lot of wine! Ten handknitted scarf-points for them.
Speaking of; yesterday I finished my white and green scarf, and I'm really happy with it. (Photos will probably be here sooner or later.) I started knitting a baby hat today.
Now I'm taking my enormous knitted IKEA-blanket and going to bed.
Listening to: A lot of Be Good Tanyas and some Cocteau Twins and a little Regina Spektor but at the moment Kroke - Ajde Jano.
Sunday, 9 November 2008
The cakedaycake was thuruoghly appreciated. Friday evening I'm not even going to talk about. I had a great time though.
Yesterday I was really hungover most of the day but we really managed to make the autumn dinner really nice! A very nice night, great atmosphere, lovely people, great food, good wine, some rum... Lovely.
I made sweet potato pie, wich was really good.
Today something very unusual happened; I woke up around six and could not go back to sleep. I got out of bed around eight, after twisting and turning and trying to fall asleep and failing and watching the night on the other side of my red curtains slowly fade away and a grey morning light take it's place.
So I gave up and went downstairs and played wow.
Listening to: M.I.A. - Galang
Thursday, 6 November 2008
It rained a lot.
I baked this cake to take to work tomorrow, for cakeday. I added real rum instead of essence though, and orange. I have high hopes.
Listening to: Quincy Jones - Ai No Corrida
All that's missing, really, is julmust.
Listening to: Hedningarna - Vispolska
Wednesday, 5 November 2008
In other news: msn chat history reading is sometimes a bit depressing. But it can be a bittersweet kind of thing.
Today was a pretty relaxed day at work but it seems like we have a growing chism-thing going on and I really don't like that. For someone who puts the well-being of the team before her own, egoism is really provocing.
Mom has arrived safely in Brighton.
I cut Marias hair and we're watching Buffy and Angel.
On saturday we're having a small dinner thing, if I did'nt mention that already, and we've been preparing a lot for that.
On friday it's my turn to bring cake to work.
Everything is so structured. Tidy. I keep busy. Keep my mind off... Just off.
A cow has four stomaches without knowing it, so what the hell do I know about life?
Listening to: a lot of Sabbath Hela Veckan, a little bit of Robbie Robertson
Tuesday, 4 November 2008
I have lot's of energy and creativity, really a lot. I feel good, strong, calm.
And then it hits me.
Today me, Sandra and Viola had a junta-meeting at my place, making clay figures (insects and animals) and autumn decorations and stuff. It was really fun.
Now I should take a shower but I honestly think I might wait til' the morning because I'm so very tired.
We don't want to be memories, we don't want to be dreams. Play me soft songs in the middle of the night, tell me secrets, make me a part of you.
Listening to: Lilium - Short stories
Monday, 3 November 2008
That everyone will find out.
I made a desicion to tell people. Not everyone maybe, but everyone that could be affected, and so far no one really seems to care.
I havn't been keeping it a secret actively, I've told people if it comes up for some reason or if I want them to know for some reason, but I havn't been very open with it.
And the thing with telling people is that it's fucking scary. But I need to accept it and I need people to know because if they don't know they wont understand things about me. Why I do things the way I do. And I realized that there's a bigger chance that they would get mad, or at least annoyed, if they don't know the reason for my actions.
So I don't hide it. I tell people. And it almost makes me choke.
But well... I can't count.
Numbers has no relevance to me. I have problems with time and money and everything else measured in numbers. I can't handle basic math. I don't know by heart what 8+6 is. I don't know the times tables over three.
There. Now you know; I'm an idiot. Feel free to judge me if you want to.
Sunday, 2 November 2008
Me and Maria just assembled the lamp Årstid and I'm drinking coffee from the mug/bowl Ljuvlig. But most of all there's a man in my life now. The only one I need. He's strong and stable and he can help me carry thay weight; he is a working class hero and a peice of Swedish culture; he is versatile and good looking: Ivar.
Ivar is the man for me. And well, Moses is pretty nice to.
Also I left my sence of practicality behind and went straight for pretty; I bought a few frames and some really nice black and white photo prints that will keep Jimmy D company on the wall above my bed.
There was christmas things purchased, a shelf for the kitchen, I went all in on the storage system Bygel for my room, and also bought the desk organizer Mackis. Of course we also bought a lot of Swedish food, I almost died of happiness when I found sill! (Herring, that is.) We had wonderful meatballs with potatoes and cream sauce and lingonberryjam for lunch.
Well. All of our adventures are extremely exiting to read about, I know, but if you want to know about the ten hours we spent in the car and how the hell we managed to get all the stuff - and ourselfes - in there for the journey back, you'll just have to ask.
We left home at five in the morning and came back around eleven at night. I went right to Björns party, wich was really nice, I had a beer and hung around for a while, everyone absoultely loved my new chain-scarf, it was relaxed and nice and people where quite drunk and then I went home to go to bed but of course I had to stay up and play with my new things for a while.
Today is obviously assembly day, I'm going to do some cleaning and there's probably a junta-meeting tonight. And back to work tomorrow.
I think about you a lot, all the time almost, but I'm not sad now.
Listening to: Dr. John aka The Night Tripper - Gris-gris (the album)
Thursday, 30 October 2008
Everytime I think I might be close to release I loose grip. It always takes me a couple of days to regain focus, to get back on track. But I make it after a while, even though it's hard.
The problem is I just can't stop hoping, but still I can't let go. It's destroying me. I don't want this. I want my life to be about me. I want peace of mind. I want something else.
I don't want this emotional blackmail.
Everything I say is true.
We got paid today. I actually have a budget, or I've started making a budget and I'll finish it as well! I will. Today I bought some stuff but everything I buy for creative reasons feels okay. I got some stuff for making autumn decorations for the house and some acrylic paint for the clay figures I'm making and yarn for finishing my scarf and some other stuff. I have so much inspiration! I don't know where it all comes from! Amazing.
After this little shopping orgy at Vibes and Scribes me, Maria and Viola had fika at Tribes. (Vibes, scribes, tribes. The best thing rhyme.) The fika was tea and hot chocolate and needlepoint and knitting and wonderful Philly steak and cheese sandwiches with curly fries.
Tomorrow is halloween. Today we put up a million billion halloween thingys and tomorrow we're all going to dress up for work. I'm going to do makeup on everyone. Or everyone that wants makeup, that is.
On saturday it's IKEA all day long. We're leaving at five in the morning and driving for four or five hours to Belfast. In the evening Viola and Björn might throw a party. I guess the word has spread enough for people to show up at their house, wether they actually are throwing a party or not. There's a chance I might be a bit tired though. We'll see.
Next weekend we (or maybe mostly I) will be hosting a small dinner thing.
Apart from that I'm mostly planning for christmas. We're going to have a tree and my mom and dinner and stuff. Great stuff! It's going to be awesome.
Now I'm gonna take a bath. A bubbly bath. Let go of all of my thoughts.
Listening to: Cocteau Twins, the complete discography on shuffle. So damn good. Like perfume for my ears. Favourites right now are "Ivo" and "Hitherto".
Reading: Darkly Dreaming Dexter by Jeff Lindsay. Totally different from the TV-series.
Monday, 27 October 2008
There are things I want to feel. I want to be close, feel the touch of skin. I want to know.
I think I might be ready to start letting go though.
I think about that time. That first time, in the dark, that last time. (That other time, all those other times.)
Things are what they are, whatever I want or do. Sometimes I can't do anything about that. Right now I think I might be ready to start accepting reality. My not so firm grip on reality might be getting better. Who knows. Baby steps.
A physiotherapist has told me to stop running. My hips are to screwed up.
I kinda feel... not so lost, right now.
I'm at Emilias. It is a good place to be.
Sunday, 26 October 2008
No IKEA today. Nothing at all actually. Just been taking it slow.
Right now I'm watching You, The Living which is a wonderful film. I love it.
Otherwise I'm feeling very emotionally unstable. As is our router. I miss Cork.
Every time I look in the mirror I can see it. The years. I hate it! I really did'nt expect to hate it, I've allways been aware that my features will change with time but I thought it would take longer. And look different. I mean, I have no wrinkels or anyting, I just kinda look heavier. My face looks more tired. It might be the fact that I put on some weight after moving to Ireland, but I look different than I did the last time I gained weight.
And I don't really know if loosing weight will change anything.
I think a lot about my future. And sometimes I know exactly how I want my life to look in six months or a year (but seldom more than that) and sometimes I have no idea.
Sometimes I want to go back to the last week of the festival.
Today me and my mom are going to IKEA. I will go there mext weekend as well, with Carin and Maria. So just scouting today. No money to spend. Or, I wont have much next week either, gonna pay so much debts next month I wont afford any christmaspresents or stuff or anything. In december I'll probably take a small break in paying people money. But from january I'll start paying more and shopping none and living cheap. I hate owing people money and I want to get rid of the weight of my debts. Especially debts to people who are no longer in my life, but who used to be really close. But on the other hand, owing my family isn't great either. Both of my families actually - mom and dad and Maria and Olof.
No german movie last night, it was so totally ridicoulus. On the other hand, due to router problems, no World of Warcraft either.
Tomorrow I'm going to visit Emilia!
Listening to: (why did I ever stop writing what I listen to?) Right now: the soundtrack to Oh Brother where art thou, but lots of Lamb, Cocteau Twins, Mr. Vegas, Nirvana and some Regina Spektor as well.
Saturday, 25 October 2008
Yesterday was emotionally pretty rough. A lot of good things happened, but that can be really rough actually.
All of a sudden I realized that I'm part of a huge family, even though I never really knew them, or even knew about them. I met many when I was little but all of a sudden there's like fifty people or something who all are cousins and second cousins and aunts and great aunts and... cousins of aunts and... people called Anders. Crazy. I felt like... well... not an outsider at all. Even though many of them ignored us completely. Being totally unexpectedly surrounded by smiling relatives who think youre kinda awesome just because you... you're family. And they where kinda awesome too.
They where posted close to the door in the church. After the ceremony, which was... well, a bit personal since the vicar actually knew my grandfather personally, when we where on our way out, the just kinda caught us. And talked, and made sure we knew we where a part of this big clan.
I really did'nt know! It's a quite big thing. And this was just on my mothers fathers side. After the funeral, on our way back down to Uppsala, we stopped by to say hi to my great grandmother. Who is really great! She's 97 in a couple of months! I've only met her once the last ten years or so, for a few minutes five years ago. She's tiny. And funny. We had coffee and talked for about an hour. So that's my mothers mothers mother.
I mean, imagine if I would have had a kid. That would make five generations alive at the same time. That's how old she is. Now I don't, so that's just four. But still.
Well, the day endedwith me being quite shook up and emotional and me and mom watching the first half of Kung Fu Panda in which Jack Black is great as usual. We watched the second half today. He is seriously one of the funniest people ever. The movie was a well made variation of an old theme. I liked it.
Now... German movie or World of Warcraft? Tough desicion!
Friday, 24 October 2008
So why does my heart feel so bad?
How can the pain not get any less painful? How come, everytime it resurfaces, it hurts so much?
You make everything else go away.
I'll write about all the other surprises of the day later.
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
I asked Olof to buy me shampoo the other day, and he did. He bought one litre of electric blue shampoo for 69 cents. It smells like Sprite and feels like slime. It has the same effect on my hair as dish washing liquid.
"I refuse to turn into a memory."
I did not choose this.
I try sometimes not to think about it. It doesn't really help, 'cause I still think about it, only it feels worse when I don't think about it by choice. On the other hand, when I do think about it because I actually think about it it feels... Stupid.
Well. I don't know. This does'nt really make sence I guess.
Only... I go back. I look back. And I remember how it used to be. And it's not like that anymore, and I miss it, and I miss you.
Monday, 20 October 2008
My leg hurts like shit. I guess from the running. So no more untill it stops hurting.
Today has been a shitty day. Everyone has been in a grumpy mood at work. I have been so tired I almost felt depressed, and it's not really better now, exept that I'm home, wich is good.
Well, I'm not depressed. I'm happy actually. Beneath the shitty mood. Happy to have friends that I can trust even though the situation is kinda rough on us both. Happy that I have the complete Nirvana discography. Happy that we're going to IKEA in just a couple of weeks.
This morning I realized I'm going back to Sweden on thursday. I kinda thought it was next week. I don't really want to go back again so soon, as might have mentioned, especially since I wont be going south at all. Well, I'm going to stay with Emilia for a night or two and I really look forward to late nights of talking and maybe playing some cards.
Now for some more food before I clean the kitchen and the upstairs bathroom. And play some wow.
Thank you Blizzard for letting me forget about my life for a while. No guilt, no schoolwork I'm ignoring, no boyfriend who guilttrips me everytime I give my attention to something else, no cat's I havent fed, no friends I'm not calling. My friends are upstairs playing World of Warcraft. Or in Mexico, getting drunk.
My life is so good in so many ways. I love myself. And I actually do love my life. I get paid. I don't destroy my back and my hands working. I don't get black from smoke and dust and coal every single day.
And also I realized that by playing Horde instead of Alliance I get to play with nicer people.
So I can live with the details that are painful. But I do wish things where different.
Sunday, 19 October 2008
"It would be so easy if we fell in love with each other, you and me."
On the other hand that goes for everyone.
Walking home through town, eating a pizza slice from Fast Al's, I start to wonder if I'm ever going to feel at home anywhere. 'Cause even though I love Cork, despite the rain, the filth, the blood on the sidewalk, the girls dressed as chubby prostitutes (I'm really really sorry but they are), even though the city still makes me happy, swallows me up and makes me a part of the slightly insane soup of different people and places and rain, I am a stranger and I don't think that feeling will go away. In Lund people know who I am, I know the city, everything is something I've seen before but never felt like a part of.
Here... I feel like a part of it, I guess, but I'm still a stranger. I don't know these people or their ways. I'm a social tourist, watching from the outside all the time. I don't even really know any Irish people. Eva maybe, and Daithi, who moved to London.
Whatever. The point is-
I really don't know. I heard someone say that no matter how you choose there will always be the knowledge of what you did'nt choose, and you'll never know. So there are no right choices, I think, because you can never know what you don't have, so you really can't compare.
It's times like these I just want to leave everything behind, be swallowed by new places, forget about my life. But I've done that already and the past is still a part of me, even more then before maybe.
I have always felt like a stranger, and maybe I always will.
I really don't know what this post is about. I should'nt write at night.
Saturday, 18 October 2008
I realized today that I actually regret one thing - not standing up for him. Not choosing his side from the start. Shutting up out of respect for someone who I did not agree with. Letting her talk shit about him, and getting angry at her, but not saying anything. Unfair to her, to me and to him.
And when I realized that I also realized how important he is to me. And that I have friends, and that he will probably keep being more than that to me, even though we decided to keep it on that level.
And that he is one of the best people I have ever known.
Friday, 17 October 2008
Well, they're back at it. I usually have no trouble sleeping. I should probably try. The two glasses of wine will probably help, as long as they stop shouting just outside my window.
At least the music is pretty good. I think it's mostly The Doors actually. This is one of the reasons I think these neighbours might be new ones; they looked and sounded more Irish and rocker-type-ish. The old ones where really French.
Ooh! Sultans Of Swing!
Today has been a very long day. In every way. Long and heavy. Mutual decisions have been reached and I have worked one and a half hour overtime. No tickets booked. I have to do that tomorrow.
Not going to Lund though.
I feel that this was the right thing to do. Nothing else would have been fair.
Yes, I let him get away.
Did they actually shut up now or are they just changing cd's?
Whatever. I'm going to sleep. I ran this morning, worked all day, had some kind of breakup, worked overtime, had pizza, had wine, walked around, had more wine. My oh my. Sleep now.
Wednesday, 15 October 2008
I booked a week off for my grandfathers funeral. And flight tickets to Sweden. And I bought black clothes. You would think that that would be a bit tricky with no money, but hey, RyanAir and Penneys. Did'nt spend very much. But now I really don't have anymore.
At least I wont get less next month, I don't have to take unpaid leave for the funeral, wich is good.
Feels strange to go back after such a short while. Very strange. I don't really want to go to Sweden but I really want to be with my mother.
I really don't know what I want. I won't have time to see any of my friends in the one week I'll spent in the motherland. I did'nt have time in five weeks even.
I wish I could just bring my mom and go somewhere else. India maybe. Or Alaska. Or anywhere.
Now I'm going to sleep. And it's not even ten o'clock yet! Good stuff. First good thing today. Or second, Olof made pancakes for dinner.
Tuesday, 14 October 2008
Today has not been good or bad. Work was alright, Maria was home with some kind of flu or such (don't think it was the same one as I had but who knows the ways of flus) but we were'nt really flooded with calls, no two hour router calls, nothing bad.
I came home and played some wow, had dinner, played some more. Kind of half hearted. Mostly ran around feeling clueless. Now I'm really tired, wich is a very good thing since I've had some problems making myself go to bed at night, as returning readers might have already understood. Now it's ten thirty and I'm gonna go brush my teeth.
Feels really good that I made out this morning and I have high hopes I'll make it again tomorrow.
I want to travel. I want to go to Iceland. Or steal a car and go to Scotland. Or go to America. Or anywhere.
I am really not as messy as you would think if you saw my floor a week ago, but the latest few months have been chaotic at best. Yes, months. Seriously months of chaos. It's shaping up now. I spend all my time at home, looking to myself and all my belongings, sorting them like the Swede I am. Organizing my things and my thoughts, yes. deciding what is important to me and what's not.
Well, I still have some time before all those files are finished transfering so I'll treat you to some pic's. Caroline, my boss, took her extremely cute baby daughter to work, and the little wonder just sat there and smiled, and was particularly interested in my hat, so I let her try it on. Here it is, my first hat!
And here it is on me, in Cork, wich is particularly beautiful in the sunset.
Monday, 13 October 2008
He makes me happy. Being with him, I'm happy.
And I like being happy. And I like being with him.
I just wish I could stop being scared.
Cleaning my room, blogging, it's just ways to try to work through my messy mind. Organize my thoughts. And the more I tidy my mind and my room the more it feels like happy is something good. And the more I think about that the happier I feel.
I don't think I can let him get away.
And well yeah, of course I spent maybe half an hour or so this morning on cleaning my room...
I'm very much looking forward to christmas. My mom is coming here and I'm goint to force her to make me liver stew. And I'm going to make her chocolate pie. And It will be so nice.
It's really never happened before but all of a sudden I want snow for christmas. Me and Nils and Astrid (my brother and sister) are thinking of going skiing in the alps some time this winter. I'm not sure I'll be able to, bu oh how I want it!
In other news the "fish of the week" has come to an end. It started 21 weeks ago as a weekly email that I sent out within the team, and it still is. Only that the team has changed. Well, anyhow, from next week on a new era will start, and I plan to start posting stuff here as well.
The first and the last is the same.
I woke up, played some World Of Warcraft (Warlocks! Hooray!) and then I made insanely good chocolate pie from a recipe I found at Homesick Texan's blog, which is a lovely blog filled with little food stories and recipes. I really like it.
We had our weekly cleaning of the house: Olof vacuumed, I cleaned the downstairs bathroom (and moved my stuff down there from the upstairs one wich is great, more room for everyone) and wiped the floor of the first floor and Maria took care of the bathroom upstairs. Even my room got it's fair share of tidying (even though there's a long way to go still). Then I (and new Swedish Björn who showed up in the middle of our cleaning process) went over to Viola's place with pie and yarnthings and we had junta! Syjunta even. And kafferep. (Translation: old ladies sitting around knitting, sawing, drinking coffee and gossiping.) With Sandra. I knitted, Sandra embroidered a skirt and Viola had her needlepoint embroideries. (Björn mended his jeans.) We talked about lots of interesting things, had lovely pie and coffee and it was really nice and cozy.
Later me, Viola and Björn had chinese takeaway. I really like living on Barrack Street. Everything you could ever want within three minutes walk. (As long as what you want is beer, books, halal meat, chinese or indian takeaway or to rent a bike.)
Tomorrow morning I might start running. If I feel healthy enough. I'm a bit scared of working out when I still have traces of this flu thing in me after a story when I was in eighth or ninth grade of some girl who appearently died from running when she had a cold. Or maybe I'm just making up excuses 'cause I've been a slacker for so many years.
At some point I'm going to post pictures of stuff I've knitted (exept for things I knit as christmas presents). Be patient. Soon.
I can live here. This is my home. And I will stay here.
Sunday, 12 October 2008
Saturday, 11 October 2008
I am going to get myself in better shape and that thought makes me happy. Maria seriously doubts that I will be able to both work out and play World Of Warcraft, but I think I'll manage. And knit. No problem.
Yes. I have set up a WOW-account.
Tonight we're making meat burger thingies with wedges and bearnaise (made from powder, the Swedish way!) (yes, Swedish powder) and watching Star Wars. This has been planned for ages. Because I have actually not seen Star Wars before. Go ahead, laugh. It's true. But soon! Soon all you have to laugh at is the fact that I did'nt see them until I was 24.
I feel better today. Both mentally and physically. Still a bit tired and half-flu-ish, but it's ok. And I have been thinking a lot, and talking a lot with Maria and Olof about the future. Our plans and our house and everything. So I'm staying in Cork, but I allready knew that. I just... decided to, more officially. Decicions can be so hard to do. And they can go wrong. But a thought hit me today.
It is only human. Making mistakes and bad decicions is a part of life. I can forgive myself, eventually, whatever happens. I'm sure of that.
Everything feels wrong and awkward and off.
At least mom seems ok. I really hope she is.
All the time it seems like life is trying to show me that there is no way of knowing anything at all, ever. It is the only firm belief I have. That I know nothing. I know no one. Especially not myself.
"Know thyself" a famous doorway once said. But how?
The neighbours are fighting. The nice ones. In the street. It's friday night and it's late and I'm at home, sober. It's happened before. It must have happened before.
I feel empty.
Friday, 10 October 2008
The hard part is coming down, right? But I might have to. I wish I could see into the future. Foresee the results of my actions before I acted. But I can't. I try to mentally understand what my choises might lead to but still I'm surprised in the moment of truth. Other people do not react as I expect them to. Unexpected situations arise.
I have never regretted anything. It has been a kind of motto; no regrets. It never helps. But right now I know that I might come to a point where I regret something. That is all that I can see in my future. The posibility to do something that might turn out to be wrong. I'm scared.
On wednesday evening I found out that my grandfather is dead. My mothers father. We had no contact. I don't really know what to feel.
I miss you so much
Thursday, 9 October 2008
Okay, I sit still at work too. But I walk there in the morning.
My first hat is done! I am very proud.
Also I'm downloading Melrose Place.
Wednesday, 8 October 2008
Tuesday, 7 October 2008
- felt shitty
- got my big big bag in the post. THANKS MARTIN!
- bought boots. THANKS MOM! I love them. Haven't wore them yet but I'm sure I'll keep loving them once I do.
- made the worst food ever. Me and Olof made wok. It was like disgusting porridge. With vegetables in it. I felt sick.
- ate icecream
- knitted a bit
- talked on skype for ages
- payed the rent
- payed my phonebill
Great stuff! Tomorrow we're having pancakes with Hannah after work. If I'm well enough to go to work, that is. But seriously, I can't abandon my workmates at a time like this. This is the most chaotic and stressfull work has been in quite some time. Or... It feels that way at least. Maybe because I feel so shitty. I don't know.
For quite some time now, since week 20 or 21 (now is week 41) I've had a project called "Fish of the Week". I think it's time for something new pretty soon. Fish are fun and interesting but you can get tired of even them. So we'll see...
Ginger! Thank you too. You mean so much to me. In so many ways.
Monday, 6 October 2008
Sunday, 5 October 2008
At home I hang out a lot in the living room, Olof and Maria are hanging out more upstairs. I enjoy being alone as much as I enjoy company. Basically I'm happy all the time. I bought modelling paste and I'm gonna make lots of fun stuff to put in our tree (which is probably going to be plastic from Argos) and probably a lot of other stuff as well.
Friday was nice, was in town with Maria after work, had the mightiest salad ever, some red wine, talked with someone a lot over msn, then I went out with Sandra, the new Swedish girl at work, for some more wine. It was great, she's really cool. Saturday was also nice, me and Maria went to town, Maria found a great coat, I found great yarn, we had coffee with Sandra at tribes. Then I chilled out by myself, knitted, watched Lost Boys: The Tribe and I'm sorry but it really wasn't any good at all. Sorry Susan. Sorry PJ Pesce. Sorry. Also saw the first episode of Sarah Connor Chronicles which was ok I guess, was not very focused, but it had Summer Glau in it so YAY! Summer Glau I love you!
Eventually New Swedish Björn convinced me to go to Egon's party and we walked through the pouring rain for like an hour and I had high heels, good planning there. Egon lives in Blackpool which is really far away but he had a nice house with a nice party in it and rum smoothies and I had fun. And Egon gave me a pair of converse! So now I have five pairs. Five pairs of converse and four pairs of hight heels. Great stuff. I live in Ireland! Ireland! Rain! So I'm gonna buy a pair of boots and probably use them a whole lot.
I hope I'll get my bag tomorrow! Hope hope hope!
I want to know how to trust someone. I want to. It feels like a good thing. This someone feels like someone good. But I think my basic capability to trust is screwed. I feel betrayed. I don't think I am but I still feel like it. Maybe I want to let go, maybe I don't. I wish I knew. I wish emotions were simple and rational.
Friday, 3 October 2008
I have a new jacket and I hope my bag arrives today. Martin said he put in a surprise for me. I am extremely curious.
I am in a good mood. Despite the fact that it still feels like a part of my life is just... void. You used to be a part of my life. Now you are just... a memory.
Thursday, 2 October 2008
Work is not so great. I feel tired and unfocused because the job doesn't give me very much back anymore.
And as soon as I leave work I let it go and push it out of my mind and do other things. Knit. Eat pizza. Watch movies. And then the day has passed and I'm in front of this brilliant laptop staring sleepily at the screen.
We're planning on a trip to Ikea, Belfast. And mom is coming here for christmas. And I'm thinking about presents and christmas cards and baking and sewing and maybe painting and doing lots of stuff with my free time.
I feel like Mulder. I want to believe. Only it's hard when there's not so much proof like. And if you would try to tell anyone they would think youre crazy. Well. I guess signs point to it.
But yeah I keep thinking about this redhead.
Wednesday, 1 October 2008
That and a display of drama (a bit immature at that) kinda made my afternoon suck. That and heavy thoughts.
Now I'm installing World of Warcraft on my laptop and soon, soon, I'll be a nerd. Yay nerd. But yeah, doing dishes now. And thinking about a redhead.
So I'm back and getting settled in the me I am here. People are really happy that I'm back and they smile at me and say nice things and I was picked up at the airport and today they've started forgetting I was ever gone. Things are very different but also the same, of course. There's two new Swedish girls (and a couple of Danish boys and a Swedish guy) and they are supernice. It feels so wierd though. Everything, still.
Things have really changed, I have really changed. Maybe not during the vacation but well... A combination of moving here and going back again.
You are always there. All the time. Haunting me. I was wishing and hoping but now I feel like it would be so much easier if I could just talk to you sometimes. I don't know if I can stop hoping but it hurts to much to wish. I try not to think of you. It's hard.
I feel good though.
Tuesday, 30 September 2008
Also it's payday and I got about one fourth of what I had expected. I hate being bad at maths, I can never be sure if there's something wrong or if I just counted wrong or misunderstood something from the start. I just feel stupid. I hate it. And I hate being so dependant on people.
So it turns out I had three weeks unpaid leave, and not one and a half as I thought. I don't know how I can manage to screw these things up. I mean, I'm smart. I'm not completely retarded, at least. But time and money and everything else that is basicall some sort of system depending on numbers - nothing. I screw it all up.
Sunday, 21 September 2008
I say that in the sense that statistically any of us could be dead by the time you read this. Though if you are reading it you are yourself not dead, obviously, but you could be dead by the time the next person reads it. We're all floating above the black, snarling pit of death on soap bubbles.
I am not the one who wrote this. It is a quote.
But please, please keep reading.
Friday, 19 September 2008
Oh your god. I feel like... Like I'm working constantly and still have time for drama on every imaginable level of my personal life.
Tonight I'm going to a party instead of working. I think it might be friday.
Monday, 15 September 2008
I react totally different to meeting people than I anticipate.
Like she is so much more beautiful then I remembered... And I remembered her like very beautiful. And I am caught behind my own eyes. Mesmerized.
And people react differently to me than I expect them to. It seems like they really want to see me. And like they really enjoy spending time with me. And I spend all my time working. And I leave in thirteen days and I don't think I have many hours left that are not filled with plans.
I am happier. Now. I got some distance. Don't know why, but life feels a little bit easier right now than it did earlier today.
Maybe because I was sceming with Maria about the glorious nerd I will become as soon as I come back home. Or because I talked to my mom a lot. Or because I met my good friend Sandra. Or because I came up on the attic, at last, and got some kind of picture of how much work there is to be done. I don't know. Maybe it's just how tolerant Maia is when I'm in a crappy mood.
Or something else. Something that looks a bit like a fairy.
Meeting old friends is really good. Friends are what define you, right? The people you choose to have in your life. I have made a lot of good choises.
I have a lot of FFF work left to do but it will have to wait. Tomorrow. Sleep now.
Friday, 12 September 2008
But then all of a sudden there's some song. The songs take me back to a time that I can never return to. Back to different moments, everything else dissapears.
Sometimes I wish I could have what I want, or want what I can have. But I can't stop hoping, really.
There's a lot of work but now it's friday night and I'm gonna go home to Maia to drink some red wine and watch a movie or something.
Thursday, 11 September 2008
I understand why my friends on Ireland laugh at me and call me weirdo when I meet my closest friends and realize that they are just like me... And we probably shaped each other.
I think a lot about someone. Someone I met exactly one year ago. Someone I hope to meet again soon. Even though I'm kinda nervous about it.
And I think a lot about myself, the way I see myself, the way others see me, my feelings, my power over my feelings. The way I relate to myself and the world and how much everything has changed in one year. Last summer was like... death. Like the end of one life and the beginning of a new one. Rebirth.
I think a lot about my friends. And I think a lot about the people who are, and have been, more than friends.
I guess you know what I think of most, though.
Back to work.
Wednesday, 10 September 2008
Then we ate lot's of meat. Again. Meat party. Then we went to the cabin where we fell asleep.
We woke up after a while, had coffee, and dragged our million billion beers to the car deck, where we where eventually picked up by a bus, and then we loaded the beers into a car, and then we took it to the office, by carriyng it up the stairs.
We where very good.
Tonight I slept like a bear in hibernation.
Today I went into town and bought coffee at a café where I used to be a regular and I got it for free even though I hav'nt been there for a year... So nice!
And since then I've been sitting in the office. Feels like home, which is a bit bad I guess, but I like it anyways.
Well, going to bed. Maybe a better story tomorrow.
Monday, 8 September 2008
Sunday, 7 September 2008
Tomorrow I'm meeting Bex and probably doing some FFF-stuff, I guess.
Tonight I woke up, heart racing and head aching, from a hellish nightmare about evil undead monsters. It was scary on every imaginable mental level and still hangs on a bit.
Now I'm going to fika with Robin!
Saturday, 6 September 2008
Today was nice, spent lots of money on lots of great stuff. A jacket being one of the major things. And I bought Maia a nice, late birthday dinner.
We are now thinking about if we should go out to party or stay in and play Heroes of might and magic.
I'm a bit tired after spending so much money. And a bit... I don't know, emotional? It's a silly word. A bit pathetic. Feeling a bit like I don't know anything and some part of me keeps saying that you don't think about me at all and another part says "Well he probably does". All in all I feel a lot. A lot of feelings. I want to see you, I want to hold you, I want to be with you.
I keep hoping, wishing.
Had fika with Tom, Maia and Dan yesterday. Tom is a really, really good, close, old friend. Hanging out with him always makes me happy.
We showed Hell Ride last night, which was fun, if not the most intelectual movie of all times. I think I kinda took charge of the whole thing but it did'nt seem like anyone minded so... We gave away some DVD's and posters and sold membership cards and so. The discussions afterwards where mostly about what there was most of in the movie - tits, bikes, weapons or asses. Great actors though. Dialouge could have been funny but it wasn't, really.
Today I'm gonna hang out with Kalle and go shopping. He was a bit hesistant but I think I might have decided for him. Well, the shops are waiting.
Friday, 5 September 2008
Yesterday was great, met Tom for a quick hug (going to hang out properly with him later today) and then walked home with Maia. Great seeing her again! And today is her birthday!
Last night I had lovely dinner at Hannah's, 'cause it was her birthday (and on Sunday it's Irena's) and we stayed up 'till kinda late, drinking wine and playing silly dare-games. Hannah is such a lovely friend.
Now I have to do lot's of stuff.
Thursday, 4 September 2008
Really well. I have been wanting and needing a laptop for so long and I love this. Vacation. A home with wonderful people in it when I go back. Several weeks ahead of me of lots of fun, meeting old friends, seeing a tonne of movies. And yesterday I got a big surprise. A gift. From a relative that I have no contact with at all. Money. Totally unexpected and wonderful, because this means that I can pay people back. Maia and Robin, who have been wonderful and helped me out selflessly even though they had it rough as well, without a word since. Both my parents, and of course my imbecille ex, who I will be free from once I payed him back. This gift and the bonus I will eventually get for importing Johan and Viola once they pass their probation. (Need I add that I hope that both will stay forever, for ever ever?)
Living in Cork can be ... maybe not demanding, but not all good. Irish people can be tricky to deal with, the weather is mostly aweful but I have to say that it is my home and I love it there. Coming "home" to Sweden made me realize that. I could move back here though, if I had a reason. Home is where the heart is, right? My heart is where I feel safe and happy - with Maria. My family of choise.
Of course I feel safe and happy with my family of blood as well. I love Kajsa - and Nils and Astrid and Elis - so much.
So all is well. I'm enjoying the last bit of summer, enjoying some FFF-work (mostly sorting e-mails and trying to get ahold of Lars), enjoying life. Enjoying the freedom that I can see now.
I can't wish that I never fell for you. I can't. Even though thoughts of you cloud any sunny day I can't wish we hadn't met. I guess you think about it though.
I remember what you said that night, when we where standing on that bridge, watching bats fly back and forth over the water.
I miss you. I keep on hoping.
Wednesday, 3 September 2008
Our happy land,
Our happy people
Is welcoming new time.
Finally got going with some FFF-stuff. Or got going more seriously I might say. Been fiddling with it almost every day but now I actually got the list of people working this year... Perfect and lots of fun.
Still love my laptop.
Tuesday, 2 September 2008
So yeah, that's pretty much all I have to say today.
Been driving a lot and a man with a waxed moustache backed into our car while I was standing still and then he blamed me. I was furious. There is nothing worse than people who think that they are better than you.
Listening way to much to Flight of the Conchords, "Prince of parties", "The most beautiful girl", "Leggy Blonde", "Think about it"... To much. Singing
I'll buy you a kebab
and I can't believe
that I'm sharing a kebab with the most beautiful girl
I have ever seen with a kebab
and so on.
Man, I love my laptop. Just have to think of a name for it.
Monday, 1 September 2008
So I'm my dad's. All five kids where here for a while. It was great. My baby sister is extremely sweet. And my grandma was here for dinner. I really have to say I love my family, and I love being with them. It was wonderful seing mom and it's wonderful being here.
We had lamb for dinner, which I love. I've been driving some and it's lot's of fun, it's been a good while. Going tomorrow to buy a laptop. I'm absolutely thrilled. Apart from that I'm going to try to fix all the FFF-stuff I hav'nt had a chance to do. I really hope I have time tomorrow.
And yes! Space-cowboy-pirates! Can you think of anything better? No. No you can't. Firefly beats just about anything. It's great. Gorram great.
"Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain being missing."
Now is bedtime. Big day tomorrow.
Still think about you all the time. (Now how's that for an ego-boost?)
Sunday, 31 August 2008
Time, money. Anything.
I want one thing. I'm willing to wait for it. As long as it takes. I know it's worth it.
I'm at Irena's place, we're having a good time, watching movies, eating, chillaxing in general. It's great.
It's really nice seeing everyone again. And seeing some for the first time! Ylva is a sweet sweet baby girl and I had a great time at Emilia's. Now we're making applepancakes I think...
Last night was better than I had imagined.
And tomorrow I'm going south.
Friday, 29 August 2008
Yesterday I met my uncle and cousins for some tacos and some talking and it was really nice, then I came to Emilia's and we have been hanging out, drinking tea, watching How to loose a guy in 10 days, walking, playing with her beautiful baby daughter, talking, drinking wine, playing cards, eating lasagna and ice cream and you get the point.
Tomorrow we are going for lunch in Enköping and after that I'm going back to Stockholm for a little while more before I go down south to see dad and Ullis and all of my brothers and sisters, one of them for the first time ever. And I come bearing no gifts at all, for anyone. Exept dad.
Now It's late, spent the last hour or so deleting spam and doing some tired, confused FFF-work. Since I'm half asleep I have to admit I did't get very far.
Looking forward to a weekend in Stockholm even though I would have loved to stay here in Enköping for another week or so...
Right below here, where it says what time posts are posted, that's Irish time. I'm actually posting this at twenty to three at night. Swedish time. Oh your GAWD I'm tired.