Thursday, 30 October 2008
Everytime I think I might be close to release I loose grip. It always takes me a couple of days to regain focus, to get back on track. But I make it after a while, even though it's hard.
The problem is I just can't stop hoping, but still I can't let go. It's destroying me. I don't want this. I want my life to be about me. I want peace of mind. I want something else.
I don't want this emotional blackmail.
Everything I say is true.
We got paid today. I actually have a budget, or I've started making a budget and I'll finish it as well! I will. Today I bought some stuff but everything I buy for creative reasons feels okay. I got some stuff for making autumn decorations for the house and some acrylic paint for the clay figures I'm making and yarn for finishing my scarf and some other stuff. I have so much inspiration! I don't know where it all comes from! Amazing.
After this little shopping orgy at Vibes and Scribes me, Maria and Viola had fika at Tribes. (Vibes, scribes, tribes. The best thing rhyme.) The fika was tea and hot chocolate and needlepoint and knitting and wonderful Philly steak and cheese sandwiches with curly fries.
Tomorrow is halloween. Today we put up a million billion halloween thingys and tomorrow we're all going to dress up for work. I'm going to do makeup on everyone. Or everyone that wants makeup, that is.
On saturday it's IKEA all day long. We're leaving at five in the morning and driving for four or five hours to Belfast. In the evening Viola and Björn might throw a party. I guess the word has spread enough for people to show up at their house, wether they actually are throwing a party or not. There's a chance I might be a bit tired though. We'll see.
Next weekend we (or maybe mostly I) will be hosting a small dinner thing.
Apart from that I'm mostly planning for christmas. We're going to have a tree and my mom and dinner and stuff. Great stuff! It's going to be awesome.
Now I'm gonna take a bath. A bubbly bath. Let go of all of my thoughts.
Listening to: Cocteau Twins, the complete discography on shuffle. So damn good. Like perfume for my ears. Favourites right now are "Ivo" and "Hitherto".
Reading: Darkly Dreaming Dexter by Jeff Lindsay. Totally different from the TV-series.
Monday, 27 October 2008
There are things I want to feel. I want to be close, feel the touch of skin. I want to know.
I think I might be ready to start letting go though.
I think about that time. That first time, in the dark, that last time. (That other time, all those other times.)
Things are what they are, whatever I want or do. Sometimes I can't do anything about that. Right now I think I might be ready to start accepting reality. My not so firm grip on reality might be getting better. Who knows. Baby steps.
A physiotherapist has told me to stop running. My hips are to screwed up.
I kinda feel... not so lost, right now.
I'm at Emilias. It is a good place to be.
Sunday, 26 October 2008
No IKEA today. Nothing at all actually. Just been taking it slow.
Right now I'm watching You, The Living which is a wonderful film. I love it.
Otherwise I'm feeling very emotionally unstable. As is our router. I miss Cork.
Every time I look in the mirror I can see it. The years. I hate it! I really did'nt expect to hate it, I've allways been aware that my features will change with time but I thought it would take longer. And look different. I mean, I have no wrinkels or anyting, I just kinda look heavier. My face looks more tired. It might be the fact that I put on some weight after moving to Ireland, but I look different than I did the last time I gained weight.
And I don't really know if loosing weight will change anything.
I think a lot about my future. And sometimes I know exactly how I want my life to look in six months or a year (but seldom more than that) and sometimes I have no idea.
Sometimes I want to go back to the last week of the festival.
Today me and my mom are going to IKEA. I will go there mext weekend as well, with Carin and Maria. So just scouting today. No money to spend. Or, I wont have much next week either, gonna pay so much debts next month I wont afford any christmaspresents or stuff or anything. In december I'll probably take a small break in paying people money. But from january I'll start paying more and shopping none and living cheap. I hate owing people money and I want to get rid of the weight of my debts. Especially debts to people who are no longer in my life, but who used to be really close. But on the other hand, owing my family isn't great either. Both of my families actually - mom and dad and Maria and Olof.
No german movie last night, it was so totally ridicoulus. On the other hand, due to router problems, no World of Warcraft either.
Tomorrow I'm going to visit Emilia!
Listening to: (why did I ever stop writing what I listen to?) Right now: the soundtrack to Oh Brother where art thou, but lots of Lamb, Cocteau Twins, Mr. Vegas, Nirvana and some Regina Spektor as well.
Saturday, 25 October 2008
Yesterday was emotionally pretty rough. A lot of good things happened, but that can be really rough actually.
All of a sudden I realized that I'm part of a huge family, even though I never really knew them, or even knew about them. I met many when I was little but all of a sudden there's like fifty people or something who all are cousins and second cousins and aunts and great aunts and... cousins of aunts and... people called Anders. Crazy. I felt like... well... not an outsider at all. Even though many of them ignored us completely. Being totally unexpectedly surrounded by smiling relatives who think youre kinda awesome just because you... you're family. And they where kinda awesome too.
They where posted close to the door in the church. After the ceremony, which was... well, a bit personal since the vicar actually knew my grandfather personally, when we where on our way out, the just kinda caught us. And talked, and made sure we knew we where a part of this big clan.
I really did'nt know! It's a quite big thing. And this was just on my mothers fathers side. After the funeral, on our way back down to Uppsala, we stopped by to say hi to my great grandmother. Who is really great! She's 97 in a couple of months! I've only met her once the last ten years or so, for a few minutes five years ago. She's tiny. And funny. We had coffee and talked for about an hour. So that's my mothers mothers mother.
I mean, imagine if I would have had a kid. That would make five generations alive at the same time. That's how old she is. Now I don't, so that's just four. But still.
Well, the day endedwith me being quite shook up and emotional and me and mom watching the first half of Kung Fu Panda in which Jack Black is great as usual. We watched the second half today. He is seriously one of the funniest people ever. The movie was a well made variation of an old theme. I liked it.
Now... German movie or World of Warcraft? Tough desicion!
Friday, 24 October 2008
So why does my heart feel so bad?
How can the pain not get any less painful? How come, everytime it resurfaces, it hurts so much?
You make everything else go away.
I'll write about all the other surprises of the day later.
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
I asked Olof to buy me shampoo the other day, and he did. He bought one litre of electric blue shampoo for 69 cents. It smells like Sprite and feels like slime. It has the same effect on my hair as dish washing liquid.
"I refuse to turn into a memory."
I did not choose this.
I try sometimes not to think about it. It doesn't really help, 'cause I still think about it, only it feels worse when I don't think about it by choice. On the other hand, when I do think about it because I actually think about it it feels... Stupid.
Well. I don't know. This does'nt really make sence I guess.
Only... I go back. I look back. And I remember how it used to be. And it's not like that anymore, and I miss it, and I miss you.
Monday, 20 October 2008
My leg hurts like shit. I guess from the running. So no more untill it stops hurting.
Today has been a shitty day. Everyone has been in a grumpy mood at work. I have been so tired I almost felt depressed, and it's not really better now, exept that I'm home, wich is good.
Well, I'm not depressed. I'm happy actually. Beneath the shitty mood. Happy to have friends that I can trust even though the situation is kinda rough on us both. Happy that I have the complete Nirvana discography. Happy that we're going to IKEA in just a couple of weeks.
This morning I realized I'm going back to Sweden on thursday. I kinda thought it was next week. I don't really want to go back again so soon, as might have mentioned, especially since I wont be going south at all. Well, I'm going to stay with Emilia for a night or two and I really look forward to late nights of talking and maybe playing some cards.
Now for some more food before I clean the kitchen and the upstairs bathroom. And play some wow.
Thank you Blizzard for letting me forget about my life for a while. No guilt, no schoolwork I'm ignoring, no boyfriend who guilttrips me everytime I give my attention to something else, no cat's I havent fed, no friends I'm not calling. My friends are upstairs playing World of Warcraft. Or in Mexico, getting drunk.
My life is so good in so many ways. I love myself. And I actually do love my life. I get paid. I don't destroy my back and my hands working. I don't get black from smoke and dust and coal every single day.
And also I realized that by playing Horde instead of Alliance I get to play with nicer people.
So I can live with the details that are painful. But I do wish things where different.
Sunday, 19 October 2008
"It would be so easy if we fell in love with each other, you and me."
On the other hand that goes for everyone.
Walking home through town, eating a pizza slice from Fast Al's, I start to wonder if I'm ever going to feel at home anywhere. 'Cause even though I love Cork, despite the rain, the filth, the blood on the sidewalk, the girls dressed as chubby prostitutes (I'm really really sorry but they are), even though the city still makes me happy, swallows me up and makes me a part of the slightly insane soup of different people and places and rain, I am a stranger and I don't think that feeling will go away. In Lund people know who I am, I know the city, everything is something I've seen before but never felt like a part of.
Here... I feel like a part of it, I guess, but I'm still a stranger. I don't know these people or their ways. I'm a social tourist, watching from the outside all the time. I don't even really know any Irish people. Eva maybe, and Daithi, who moved to London.
Whatever. The point is-
I really don't know. I heard someone say that no matter how you choose there will always be the knowledge of what you did'nt choose, and you'll never know. So there are no right choices, I think, because you can never know what you don't have, so you really can't compare.
It's times like these I just want to leave everything behind, be swallowed by new places, forget about my life. But I've done that already and the past is still a part of me, even more then before maybe.
I have always felt like a stranger, and maybe I always will.
I really don't know what this post is about. I should'nt write at night.
Saturday, 18 October 2008
I realized today that I actually regret one thing - not standing up for him. Not choosing his side from the start. Shutting up out of respect for someone who I did not agree with. Letting her talk shit about him, and getting angry at her, but not saying anything. Unfair to her, to me and to him.
And when I realized that I also realized how important he is to me. And that I have friends, and that he will probably keep being more than that to me, even though we decided to keep it on that level.
And that he is one of the best people I have ever known.
Friday, 17 October 2008
Well, they're back at it. I usually have no trouble sleeping. I should probably try. The two glasses of wine will probably help, as long as they stop shouting just outside my window.
At least the music is pretty good. I think it's mostly The Doors actually. This is one of the reasons I think these neighbours might be new ones; they looked and sounded more Irish and rocker-type-ish. The old ones where really French.
Ooh! Sultans Of Swing!
Today has been a very long day. In every way. Long and heavy. Mutual decisions have been reached and I have worked one and a half hour overtime. No tickets booked. I have to do that tomorrow.
Not going to Lund though.
I feel that this was the right thing to do. Nothing else would have been fair.
Yes, I let him get away.
Did they actually shut up now or are they just changing cd's?
Whatever. I'm going to sleep. I ran this morning, worked all day, had some kind of breakup, worked overtime, had pizza, had wine, walked around, had more wine. My oh my. Sleep now.
Wednesday, 15 October 2008
I booked a week off for my grandfathers funeral. And flight tickets to Sweden. And I bought black clothes. You would think that that would be a bit tricky with no money, but hey, RyanAir and Penneys. Did'nt spend very much. But now I really don't have anymore.
At least I wont get less next month, I don't have to take unpaid leave for the funeral, wich is good.
Feels strange to go back after such a short while. Very strange. I don't really want to go to Sweden but I really want to be with my mother.
I really don't know what I want. I won't have time to see any of my friends in the one week I'll spent in the motherland. I did'nt have time in five weeks even.
I wish I could just bring my mom and go somewhere else. India maybe. Or Alaska. Or anywhere.
Now I'm going to sleep. And it's not even ten o'clock yet! Good stuff. First good thing today. Or second, Olof made pancakes for dinner.
Tuesday, 14 October 2008
Today has not been good or bad. Work was alright, Maria was home with some kind of flu or such (don't think it was the same one as I had but who knows the ways of flus) but we were'nt really flooded with calls, no two hour router calls, nothing bad.
I came home and played some wow, had dinner, played some more. Kind of half hearted. Mostly ran around feeling clueless. Now I'm really tired, wich is a very good thing since I've had some problems making myself go to bed at night, as returning readers might have already understood. Now it's ten thirty and I'm gonna go brush my teeth.
Feels really good that I made out this morning and I have high hopes I'll make it again tomorrow.
I want to travel. I want to go to Iceland. Or steal a car and go to Scotland. Or go to America. Or anywhere.
I am really not as messy as you would think if you saw my floor a week ago, but the latest few months have been chaotic at best. Yes, months. Seriously months of chaos. It's shaping up now. I spend all my time at home, looking to myself and all my belongings, sorting them like the Swede I am. Organizing my things and my thoughts, yes. deciding what is important to me and what's not.
Well, I still have some time before all those files are finished transfering so I'll treat you to some pic's. Caroline, my boss, took her extremely cute baby daughter to work, and the little wonder just sat there and smiled, and was particularly interested in my hat, so I let her try it on. Here it is, my first hat!
And here it is on me, in Cork, wich is particularly beautiful in the sunset.
Monday, 13 October 2008
He makes me happy. Being with him, I'm happy.
And I like being happy. And I like being with him.
I just wish I could stop being scared.
Cleaning my room, blogging, it's just ways to try to work through my messy mind. Organize my thoughts. And the more I tidy my mind and my room the more it feels like happy is something good. And the more I think about that the happier I feel.
I don't think I can let him get away.
And well yeah, of course I spent maybe half an hour or so this morning on cleaning my room...
I'm very much looking forward to christmas. My mom is coming here and I'm goint to force her to make me liver stew. And I'm going to make her chocolate pie. And It will be so nice.
It's really never happened before but all of a sudden I want snow for christmas. Me and Nils and Astrid (my brother and sister) are thinking of going skiing in the alps some time this winter. I'm not sure I'll be able to, bu oh how I want it!
In other news the "fish of the week" has come to an end. It started 21 weeks ago as a weekly email that I sent out within the team, and it still is. Only that the team has changed. Well, anyhow, from next week on a new era will start, and I plan to start posting stuff here as well.
The first and the last is the same.
I woke up, played some World Of Warcraft (Warlocks! Hooray!) and then I made insanely good chocolate pie from a recipe I found at Homesick Texan's blog, which is a lovely blog filled with little food stories and recipes. I really like it.
We had our weekly cleaning of the house: Olof vacuumed, I cleaned the downstairs bathroom (and moved my stuff down there from the upstairs one wich is great, more room for everyone) and wiped the floor of the first floor and Maria took care of the bathroom upstairs. Even my room got it's fair share of tidying (even though there's a long way to go still). Then I (and new Swedish Björn who showed up in the middle of our cleaning process) went over to Viola's place with pie and yarnthings and we had junta! Syjunta even. And kafferep. (Translation: old ladies sitting around knitting, sawing, drinking coffee and gossiping.) With Sandra. I knitted, Sandra embroidered a skirt and Viola had her needlepoint embroideries. (Björn mended his jeans.) We talked about lots of interesting things, had lovely pie and coffee and it was really nice and cozy.
Later me, Viola and Björn had chinese takeaway. I really like living on Barrack Street. Everything you could ever want within three minutes walk. (As long as what you want is beer, books, halal meat, chinese or indian takeaway or to rent a bike.)
Tomorrow morning I might start running. If I feel healthy enough. I'm a bit scared of working out when I still have traces of this flu thing in me after a story when I was in eighth or ninth grade of some girl who appearently died from running when she had a cold. Or maybe I'm just making up excuses 'cause I've been a slacker for so many years.
At some point I'm going to post pictures of stuff I've knitted (exept for things I knit as christmas presents). Be patient. Soon.
I can live here. This is my home. And I will stay here.
Sunday, 12 October 2008
Saturday, 11 October 2008
I am going to get myself in better shape and that thought makes me happy. Maria seriously doubts that I will be able to both work out and play World Of Warcraft, but I think I'll manage. And knit. No problem.
Yes. I have set up a WOW-account.
Tonight we're making meat burger thingies with wedges and bearnaise (made from powder, the Swedish way!) (yes, Swedish powder) and watching Star Wars. This has been planned for ages. Because I have actually not seen Star Wars before. Go ahead, laugh. It's true. But soon! Soon all you have to laugh at is the fact that I did'nt see them until I was 24.
I feel better today. Both mentally and physically. Still a bit tired and half-flu-ish, but it's ok. And I have been thinking a lot, and talking a lot with Maria and Olof about the future. Our plans and our house and everything. So I'm staying in Cork, but I allready knew that. I just... decided to, more officially. Decicions can be so hard to do. And they can go wrong. But a thought hit me today.
It is only human. Making mistakes and bad decicions is a part of life. I can forgive myself, eventually, whatever happens. I'm sure of that.
Everything feels wrong and awkward and off.
At least mom seems ok. I really hope she is.
All the time it seems like life is trying to show me that there is no way of knowing anything at all, ever. It is the only firm belief I have. That I know nothing. I know no one. Especially not myself.
"Know thyself" a famous doorway once said. But how?
The neighbours are fighting. The nice ones. In the street. It's friday night and it's late and I'm at home, sober. It's happened before. It must have happened before.
I feel empty.
Friday, 10 October 2008
The hard part is coming down, right? But I might have to. I wish I could see into the future. Foresee the results of my actions before I acted. But I can't. I try to mentally understand what my choises might lead to but still I'm surprised in the moment of truth. Other people do not react as I expect them to. Unexpected situations arise.
I have never regretted anything. It has been a kind of motto; no regrets. It never helps. But right now I know that I might come to a point where I regret something. That is all that I can see in my future. The posibility to do something that might turn out to be wrong. I'm scared.
On wednesday evening I found out that my grandfather is dead. My mothers father. We had no contact. I don't really know what to feel.
I miss you so much
Thursday, 9 October 2008
Okay, I sit still at work too. But I walk there in the morning.
My first hat is done! I am very proud.
Also I'm downloading Melrose Place.
Wednesday, 8 October 2008
Tuesday, 7 October 2008
- felt shitty
- got my big big bag in the post. THANKS MARTIN!
- bought boots. THANKS MOM! I love them. Haven't wore them yet but I'm sure I'll keep loving them once I do.
- made the worst food ever. Me and Olof made wok. It was like disgusting porridge. With vegetables in it. I felt sick.
- ate icecream
- knitted a bit
- talked on skype for ages
- payed the rent
- payed my phonebill
Great stuff! Tomorrow we're having pancakes with Hannah after work. If I'm well enough to go to work, that is. But seriously, I can't abandon my workmates at a time like this. This is the most chaotic and stressfull work has been in quite some time. Or... It feels that way at least. Maybe because I feel so shitty. I don't know.
For quite some time now, since week 20 or 21 (now is week 41) I've had a project called "Fish of the Week". I think it's time for something new pretty soon. Fish are fun and interesting but you can get tired of even them. So we'll see...
Ginger! Thank you too. You mean so much to me. In so many ways.
Monday, 6 October 2008
Sunday, 5 October 2008
At home I hang out a lot in the living room, Olof and Maria are hanging out more upstairs. I enjoy being alone as much as I enjoy company. Basically I'm happy all the time. I bought modelling paste and I'm gonna make lots of fun stuff to put in our tree (which is probably going to be plastic from Argos) and probably a lot of other stuff as well.
Friday was nice, was in town with Maria after work, had the mightiest salad ever, some red wine, talked with someone a lot over msn, then I went out with Sandra, the new Swedish girl at work, for some more wine. It was great, she's really cool. Saturday was also nice, me and Maria went to town, Maria found a great coat, I found great yarn, we had coffee with Sandra at tribes. Then I chilled out by myself, knitted, watched Lost Boys: The Tribe and I'm sorry but it really wasn't any good at all. Sorry Susan. Sorry PJ Pesce. Sorry. Also saw the first episode of Sarah Connor Chronicles which was ok I guess, was not very focused, but it had Summer Glau in it so YAY! Summer Glau I love you!
Eventually New Swedish Björn convinced me to go to Egon's party and we walked through the pouring rain for like an hour and I had high heels, good planning there. Egon lives in Blackpool which is really far away but he had a nice house with a nice party in it and rum smoothies and I had fun. And Egon gave me a pair of converse! So now I have five pairs. Five pairs of converse and four pairs of hight heels. Great stuff. I live in Ireland! Ireland! Rain! So I'm gonna buy a pair of boots and probably use them a whole lot.
I hope I'll get my bag tomorrow! Hope hope hope!
I want to know how to trust someone. I want to. It feels like a good thing. This someone feels like someone good. But I think my basic capability to trust is screwed. I feel betrayed. I don't think I am but I still feel like it. Maybe I want to let go, maybe I don't. I wish I knew. I wish emotions were simple and rational.
Friday, 3 October 2008
I have a new jacket and I hope my bag arrives today. Martin said he put in a surprise for me. I am extremely curious.
I am in a good mood. Despite the fact that it still feels like a part of my life is just... void. You used to be a part of my life. Now you are just... a memory.
Thursday, 2 October 2008
Work is not so great. I feel tired and unfocused because the job doesn't give me very much back anymore.
And as soon as I leave work I let it go and push it out of my mind and do other things. Knit. Eat pizza. Watch movies. And then the day has passed and I'm in front of this brilliant laptop staring sleepily at the screen.
We're planning on a trip to Ikea, Belfast. And mom is coming here for christmas. And I'm thinking about presents and christmas cards and baking and sewing and maybe painting and doing lots of stuff with my free time.
I feel like Mulder. I want to believe. Only it's hard when there's not so much proof like. And if you would try to tell anyone they would think youre crazy. Well. I guess signs point to it.
But yeah I keep thinking about this redhead.
Wednesday, 1 October 2008
That and a display of drama (a bit immature at that) kinda made my afternoon suck. That and heavy thoughts.
Now I'm installing World of Warcraft on my laptop and soon, soon, I'll be a nerd. Yay nerd. But yeah, doing dishes now. And thinking about a redhead.
So I'm back and getting settled in the me I am here. People are really happy that I'm back and they smile at me and say nice things and I was picked up at the airport and today they've started forgetting I was ever gone. Things are very different but also the same, of course. There's two new Swedish girls (and a couple of Danish boys and a Swedish guy) and they are supernice. It feels so wierd though. Everything, still.
Things have really changed, I have really changed. Maybe not during the vacation but well... A combination of moving here and going back again.
You are always there. All the time. Haunting me. I was wishing and hoping but now I feel like it would be so much easier if I could just talk to you sometimes. I don't know if I can stop hoping but it hurts to much to wish. I try not to think of you. It's hard.
I feel good though.