Tuesday, 31 December 2013
The method I'm using is inspired by the ancient Japanese technique "sashiko", which is originally made into intricate patterns in white on blue background, but my simple technique is still very functional for strengthening the fabric.
There are patches both on the inside and the outside.
Now it's two minutes to midnight and thereby 2014. I guess we're pausing "the holy grail" and having dry cider on the balcony.
Saturday, 28 December 2013
Friday, 27 December 2013
I'm broken. I must be. I'm not working properly. I woke up at noon today and now it's midnight and I'm going back to bed.
Tomorrow it's Friday. I'm going to apply for a job. That's my whole list. Nothing else. The only thing I have to do tomorrow is apply for a job. One.
Today I took a shower and did some dishes and cleaned up a little in the bathroom. And I met a friend for a while.
My energy levels are really bad. I must be broken.
Wednesday, 25 December 2013
Tuesday, 24 December 2013
Nej nej nej nej nej nej.
Vill inte. Allt blir bara skit. Alltid. Allt går alltid åt helvete. Jag mår skit. Jämt. Jag orkar inte. Orkar inte sängen full av jord. Orkar inte jul. Orkar inte illasittande trasiga kläder. Orkar inte. Vill inte. Kan inte.
Sunday, 22 December 2013
Jag promenerar långsamt. Mina fötter gör ont. Igår firade jag yalda, en persisk midvinterhögtid. Jag är trött. Jag vet att jag inte borde ta ut mig så fort jag börjar må lite bättre men jag gör det ändå. Varje gång, utan undantag.
Igår träffade jag en kompis, sen gick jag upp till avdelningen, sen träffade jag Irena och Michal, sen körde de mig till folkets park där jag var till midnatt och dansade tills jag var genomblöt av svett. Det var en bra dag men idag är jag känslomässigt utmattad. Imorgon blir jag utskriven. Ytterligare en stressfaktor.
Kvinnan som bjöd in mig till Yaldafirandet heter också Yalda och är helt fantastisk. Hon är kanske runt sextio och pratar knappt någon svenska och har dessutom olika långa ben vilket gör det svårt för henne att gå. Jag tror att hon har otroligt ont. Trots det är hon alltid glad och dansade nog mer än mig igår. När hon dansar syns det inte att hon är handikappad. Som om det är meningen att hon skulle dansa.
Jag lärde känna henne när jag kom in åå avdelningen, vi delade rum första veckan eller så.
Då var stämningen där alltid rolig och bra, människor i alla åldrar som mest var ledsna, inte så farligt galna. Nu är det mest äldre kvinnor som är rätt ordentligt galna. Det är lite tråkigt men jag har träffat folk där som jag hoppas på att vara vän med länge. Som Yalda, som inspirerar mig med sitt soliga humör, M som är världens yngsta femtioåring, J som är ängslig men snäll, T som nästan känns som en familjemedlem, K som är min nuvarande, jätteroliga rumskompis, J som är fantastiskt intelligent och rolig, I som är dagisfröken och nästan lika liten som barnen hon jobbar med. Många fler. Som jag verkligen tycker om, mycket.
Nu finns det en gammal kvinna som sitter och skriker "maten är lagom varm!" Eller "slutet är nära!" och en annan som tror att man pratar med henne varenda gång man pratar och en som sjunger hela tiden. "Det finns inget vackrare än sanningen, sanningen, sanningen."
Det har varit fem märkliga veckor.
Thursday, 19 December 2013
Listening to music. Enjoying it thoroughly. A friend of mine gifted me a month of spotify premium and I'm listening to radio based on a wardruna song. Gothy and a bit of black metal and folk. Yummmm.
Very "winter is coming"-feel. Painting my nails again. The last time it failed.
Skyped with Maria for a bit, a long bit, it was lovely.
Dark plum purple this time. I like it. Smoking my e-cigarette.
Tomorrow I'm having lunch with my mom and then I'm going to buy some glögg, swedish spiced mulled wine, and some nice cheese and gingerbread dough and having a very nice evening.
The only way is up! I'm getting better. It feels good.
Most of the guys at the ward who I became friends with have gone back home or on to treatment facilities. And I'm going home on Monday.
I've had free permission to sleep at home and go out whenever I want but on Monday I'm going home for real.
Now I'm painting my nails and watching Disney movies and knitting Christmas presents.
Tuesday, 17 December 2013
Not really Christmas. I'm sitting in my bed at the ward, listening to music and crocheting. Feeling strange and empty. Lonely. But I don't want to be with anyone.
I can smell hospital food. There's minus eighty three crowns on my account. It's raining outside.
Saturday, 14 December 2013
There's the hairy child collector of the frozen forests and Duran Duran and "Dildano" the revolutionary and the harmonic sex and the "uncivilized" kind. The civilized way seems incredible tho.
Elsa the kitten is asleep on my leg and it feels like a great honor. C is untangling embroidery threads and KS is playing the new version of Terraria and J is mostly eating it seems.
Elsa is dreaming now, her kitten feet twitching madly.
This movie is hilarious. This cat is incredibly sweet. This company is wonderful. What a sweet funking night.
Wednesday, 11 December 2013
Friday, 29 November 2013
Today they're going through all the wards and testing the alarms. For hours there's been a constant beeping. It's horrible. There's a guy here who has some trouble with his temper who almost exploded at breakfast.
I'm still tired from last night and went back to bed after breakfast and a meeting with a counselor type person. She told me about stuff that I can do and help I can get to make my life work again. Felt good. But falling asleep in the noise is not easy.
Now I should try to wake up and maybe take a quick shower and have another cup of tea before I go home and do the laundry.
Thursday, 28 November 2013
So today I had a long, stressful, confusing and pretty bad day. I had a stupid and meaningless fight, I was tired, my confidence is crap (I'm in a fucking mental institution, good luck feeling on top of shit) and stuff in general is shitty.
Ended with a game of scrabble at the ward and it was fun. It feels nice hanging out with people who also feel like shit. We can laugh at it. And we do, and we laugh at the fact that we're laughing. We tell each other that our craziness is okay and laugh at it. We're all here. We all have reasons. I can forget about my life and all the crap and all the things I've done that have lead me here. I can forget about how I have failed completely. I'm normal here.
And when I'm not here that feeling lingers for a while. It follows me out into the world.
I'm getting new meds soon. And tomorrow I'm going home to do some laundry.
Tuesday, 26 November 2013
So I've not told very many, close friends and my parents, but I committed myself to a psyche ward. Because of the suicide thing. Or, because I wanted to do it, I had a plan. I had sleeping pills and I was gonna get some booze and a knife and get in a hot bath. Make sure it was gonna work. Make sure I was alone.
I didn't do it though. I came here and I've been here a week now.
It helps me. I feel better. I still cry and ask the nurses why it's so important that I stay alive, I've been alive for almost thirty years, can't that be enough? If I don't want to live, why do I have to? Why?
But today me and a couple of the other patients played scrabble and talked about literature and poetry and movies and cigarettes and a lot of other things and it feels good to be with people who also feel like shit. We can laugh about it.
Monday, 25 November 2013
Reality comes back, bared teeth, hot breath. Sharp claws resting against my throat.
I freeze up, feel sick. My appetite dissappears and I get tired and apathetic. Crawl up inside, eyes tightly closed. But the monster is real and won't go away.
More invisible clawmarks on my skin. More deep and painful wounds. Unbearable pain. Failure, again. Always.
Sunday, 17 November 2013
Saturday, 16 November 2013
So today I found out that I won't be getting any money. I thought I was. The let down floored me and I went into some kind of suicidal stupor type of thing. I slept for five hours or so and woke up again around eight when my dad called.
Talking to him made me feel a little bit better and eventually I managed to eat some food and even make some hot chocolate. And I took a bath! And washed my hair! So living through this day and washing my hair and eating food; I must say that I'm impressed. Even though the thought of suicide was one of the things that got me through the day.
It's been a safety net for me for a few years now. When I have panic attacks or just feel insanely depressed I think about killing myself and I feel better. I don't know why but lately I've started being worried about how realistic those thoughts have become.
Ben has been kinda not awesome today but besides being a bit mad at him I just feel... well, nothing. I don't really care. I wish he would have been more present and supportive but he's not and I don't really care. My parents have been. And that's kinda surprising. I love them.
Wednesday, 13 November 2013
Sometimes it hurts too much. Sometimes I just don't understand how so much pain can fit inside one person.
I feel pathetic. Useless. Lonely, so lonely, I hate being lonely.
There's a scream inside me, without beginning or end. The scream I'm constantly not screaming. I'm cold all the way into my soul. I'm a desert. I'm dead.
I'm a fucking emo. I despise myself for it. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.
Tuesday, 12 November 2013
Normally I get to bed pretty late but today I'm pretty tired. So I'm going to bed super early in stead.
Miss my darling. Miss him so much. All the time.
We're working out the issues that arise in polygamous relationships. It's going well. But I worry, because I am a human. I want to have a full life even though I love someone who is very far away from me. I want hugs and cuddles and stuff.
Also the last episode I watched of Fringe was so sad.
Otherwise it's been a good day. Done dishes and vacuuming and some tidying up. Talked to people I like.
Now I'm just really cold. Ugh.
Tuesday, 5 November 2013
Monday, 4 November 2013
Just found a big stack of them. Hiding in a drawer.
It makes me so stressed that I feel sick. I feel stupid and I can't read what it says and there's a buzzing in my head that just won't stop.
I need help but there's no one to help me.
Monday, 14 October 2013
So today my depression is mostly physical. Sweating or cold sweating, nausea, stomach ache, tired and confused. Breathing is a bit difficult. Dizziness and sometimes black spots in my vision or slight tunnel vision.
It sucks so hard. I know that if I don't take it easy now I'm gonna have a panic attack, but taking it easy is so hard. I feel super stressed out about looking for work and making important calls and sending important emails but I can't. I need to lie down and breath deeply. Moment 22. Ugh.
Wednesday, 9 October 2013
Hello. The other day I wrote on Facebook that depression feels different at different times. I wrote that it felt like I was drowning in black slime.
Today I feel tired. Thoughts don't work. My head hurts really bad. I know I should be doing things but the pain makes me confused.
And a bit nauseated.
Sunday, 15 September 2013
Friday, 13 September 2013
Tuesday, 10 September 2013
Thursday, 29 August 2013
Monday, 26 August 2013
Sunday, 25 August 2013
Friday, 23 August 2013
Thursday, 22 August 2013
Sunday, 18 August 2013
Saturday, 17 August 2013
So the last few days my good friend Irena has dragged me out for bike rides, and I realized that it was approximately six years ago I last even touched a bicycle. (The last time might have been when I fell off and broke my collarbone) My behind is quite tender.
Trying to update my CV and stuff. Stresses me out. Difficult. Need to go find important papers and stuff. Also stressful. And now I'm getting hungry too. Sigh.
Friday, 16 August 2013
Sunday, 11 August 2013
Wednesday, 31 July 2013
Tuesday, 23 July 2013
Saturday, 20 July 2013
There was a downpour and thunder as we where driving home early this afternoon. Now there's a light drizzle and the air feels fresh and clean and I just came up from the pool. I was swimming daily for a couple of weeks but the last week or so I've been a bit lazy. But I went swimming yesterday and again today and it feels wonderful to use my muscels! Since we drive everywhere I don't get much workout.
This past week has been fun but not very healthy. We've been partying a bit more than we should've.
Now I'm waiting for Ben to come home from a meeting so that we can go grocery shopping. In the meantime I'm going to swim some more.
Saturday, 13 July 2013
Thursday, 11 July 2013
Tuesday, 9 July 2013
Wednesday, 3 July 2013
Tuesday, 18 June 2013
Tuesday, 11 June 2013
Monday, 10 June 2013
Saturday, 8 June 2013
Friday, 7 June 2013
Thursday, 6 June 2013
Monday, 3 June 2013
Sunday, 2 June 2013
Saturday, 1 June 2013
Friday, 31 May 2013
Thursday, 30 May 2013
Wednesday, 29 May 2013
Tuesday, 28 May 2013
Friday, 24 May 2013
Monday, 20 May 2013
Tuesday, 14 May 2013
Thursday, 9 May 2013
Tuesday, 7 May 2013
I moved all my things last night, my friends helped me. They where very kind.
I have too much things. So many things. So little hope. Everything feels hopeless and bad.
Awh man. So tired. So much to do.
Monday, 6 May 2013
Monday, 22 April 2013
I couldn't get out of bed. I could not motivate myself to go make breakfast. I had zero energy.
I DID do my workout tho! And took a shower. Maybe I should focus on that. Hah.
Spent all day in front of my computer. Watching YouTube things. Funny things and meaningless things. Meaningless day. Barely ate anything. Didn't do anything.
My back aches and I feel empty inside and I stayed up too late and ugh.
Just took one of my new meds. It's called cirkadin and it's a melatonin... Something. It's supposed to make me sleep better during the night so that I can stay awake in the daytime. I think.
Thursday, 18 April 2013
My brain is such a DICK.
Anyways it's now early morning and I figure a couple of hours of sleep before breakfast can't hurt.
Tuesday, 16 April 2013
I talked to my contact person today, and managed to work out at least one of the issues that have been worrying me. About that sweet man. I can't really explain it now though. It seems distant and strange now.
I paid my bills. I talked to people about stuff. I got some important info. I feel good about myself.
I like my contact. She's good.
I love my boyfriend. I'm gonna kiss him. On his face. I love his face.
I don't hate myself today. He makes me happy, and as scary as that is it doesn't have to be a bad thing. It has to be okay. He is sweet and kind and he loves me. Me. How can that not make me happy? How can that not be totally awesome?
Monday, 15 April 2013
At first I feel fine, but suddenly dark thoughts pop up in my head, from nowhere.
I hate myself. I hate myself I hate myself I hate my life. I can't. Can't go on. Can't.
I feel betrayed by these thoughts. By my mind for letting them in without letting me know. I want to cry because I do not feel that way. My life is nice. I like myself. I'm a great person.
But I'm not here, I'm insecure and a bit awkward and I don't like that part of myself. This is not me. I'm not me here. I forget things, important things. I get so tired and I can't go on I can't can't can't
I can't do stuff, important stuff, I can't make important calls and pay bills and hang laundry and clean my room and I can't even do stuff I want to. Like read books and stuff. Paint, knit, embroidery. I just don't have any energy left at all. I want to sleep. Just sleep.
I get tired of diets. I quit eating bread but a couple of days later that's all I have. I quit eating sugar but then the weekend comes and I make a cake. I turn off the movie I'm watching to pay bills but my mind starts swimming and I can hardly keep my eyes open. I just can't. I can't.
And I hate myself for it. And the hate burns up everything else and I can't convince myself that I'm strong and that I can do anything. And again the feeling of guilt, like I'm tricking him. Nothing will be okay. Nothing will work. It's just mean to him to make him trust me, I fucking suck. How can I do this to him? I love him, I can't. I can't let him get poisoned by whatever is poisoning me. By my poison, the poison that I am. I can't. Can't.
I feel nothing now, everything is getting numb. My head hurts a little and I'm getting more dizzy, it feels like I haven't slept for days. I have to lie down. I need rest.
I am a failure. I'm a bad person. Something is wrong with me.
This happens inside me on a daily basis. Not all the time. But often after I eat. So I do believe something that I eat is making me sad. Depressed. Tired. But I have no energy to try to figure anything out.
I am going to go lie down for a little while.
Friday, 12 April 2013
I'm trying to get up. But I feel emotional and everything is ... Bad. I'm angry and sad and I'm not sure why. My head is still full of strange dreams and my heart is full of fear and doubt.
I feel like I'm a rocket. I don't know where I'm headed but it's going fast and I'm not sure if I'll survive the landing.
Thursday, 11 April 2013
Oh and I re-watched season four of sons of anarchy and realized that I might not have seen the last episodes. And I didn't even HAVE the very last one.
I miss my man. I think about him a lot. He's wonderful.
I feel a bit better now. Not good, but a little better.
I'm trying to cheer myself up by thinking about the person that I love. Who loves me back. Like a light in the darkness.
Don't want to do this diet thing anymore. Want bread and coffee and cigarettes. Now.
I think actually today is a day when I actually do smoke a cigarette.
School was okay I guess, worked on the conceptual wedding jewelry. I feel pretty good about it. Lunch was so crazy good, meat things with sauce and jam and stuff. My favorite type of food. I put a shitload of salad on top of it though. Guess that's something.
And then the sleep, and with the sleep the dreams. First off I was two guys. Who was somehow clones or something. Using a magic chalk piece or something they traveled to a strange different dimension where people tried to kill them. I/They saw everything double, pictures changed as you looked at them, texts was altered, colors distorted, everything like a hysterical hallucination in bright colors. I/They got dizzy and confused and fell over and lost their chalk pieces and never got home and started thinking that maybe that was okay, maybe this was how it was supposed to end.
I dragged myself into consciousness and tried to text Ben but I fell back asleep and everything got even worse. Sensitive readers should skip this. Really.
I was a man this time - only one though. I met a girl and really liked her. We were in a horrible accident. When I came to I was under water, floating, and she was beside me. Her body was torn apart at the waist. Her guts where everywhere, spreading out from her body like some kind of bloody tentacles. Her arms where twisted in impossible ways and the top of her head was missing. She was floating towards me and I was terrified and wanted to get away, but my body didn't move. I saw myself for a moment, like I caught a glimpse of myself out of the corner of my eye. I was terrified again because at first I thought I saw myself smiling, but I quickly realized that my jaw had been torn off and the muscles of my face where being pulled and stretched in bizarre ways. I tried to move my arms but realized that they too where twisted in horrible angles and when I tried using my legs to get away from her body that was now touching mine I saw that they where ripped off at the knees. I knew I was dead. Just like the woman next to me, my body had been crushed and killed. So why was I conscious?
A while later I am standing (how?) on a sidewalk. People on bicycles and in cars drive in big half circles as they pass to get as far away as possible. It went on to be a massive zombie apocalypse. I tried to stop it even though I was one of them. I was failing and tried to make myself wake up but it took several tries before I managed. I still feel completely fucked up. I don't want to go back to sleep but I'm tired and sad. I don't know why I'm sad.
Anyways I ate a salad for dinner so that's good. I guess. My head hurts. I'm drinking lot's of water. My vitamins and things arrived at Ben's today so hopefully he'll send them to me soon.
Tuesday, 9 April 2013
Monday, 8 April 2013
But I don't really know how yet. I called my doctor today. School is back on, easter break over. Still no cigarettes though I was close today and no coffee. I feel a little bit less sleepy today than usual.
I have been drinking at least one cup of coffee every day for years. Not sure how many, six maybe? At least six. Maybe seven. Every day. Today is maybe my tenth day without coffee. And it feels pretty good.
People ask why I stopped drinking coffee (in Sweden that's almost a faux pas) and even though there's a pretty long explanation I feel a bit perplex. Why the hell not?
Now I'm gonna go eat chinese food with the nerds.
Thursday, 4 April 2013
Today I got up before noon again. I felt happy.
I cut off another third of my hair, looked at tumblrs for a while and had breakfast. Today I had unsweetened "sour milk" (which is a Swedish thing that is not at all as disgusting as it sounds, it's a bit like yogurt) with fruit muesli.
Thinking about vlogging. Today feels like a good day. Gonna make stew tonight. Yeeees.
So today was GREAT. I stayed awake all day. I went to the workshop. I went to Rättvik with Kajsa and bought some yarn. (Not really needed perhaps but pretty. A very nice linen cotton something (rayon? No. Viscose maybe) blend that I'm gonna make a lace scarf of. My first real lace project! Scary and exiting.
I had tasty wonderful pizza, maybe for the last time in a long time, and I bought SO much vegetables! Oh my gosh. All the vegetables.
Gonna be healthy.
Getting sleepy now.
Talked to the best boyfriend ever for a while and played computer games and talked to friends and watched YouTube stuff and trailers for coming movies.
Uh. Almost sleeping now. Goodnight bots. I love you bots.
Wednesday, 3 April 2013
I'm up before noon. My jaw is even better today. I'm going to Houston in 61 days. Life doesn't feel so meaningless today.
I talked to Maria last night and she's the sweetest person. Just talking to her always lifts my mood, even if its about silly things or nothing at all. It's impossible to feel lonely or unloved with a friend like her.
Today I'm gonna be alive. I think I've slept enough.
Whoa! I actually feel... ! I feel things. No apathy at the moment! WOOOOOOOO
So I had a few sandwiches with cheese for breakfast. Tiredness came back. Ugh.
Tuesday, 2 April 2013
I've gone to bed again. I've been so tired today. But now I can't sleep, only cry. (Partly because I watched grave of the fireflies and it was crazy sad. Didn't even really like it much. Partly because I feel so extremely alone.)
Everything feels meaningless. This new life is starting to feel like the old one minus coffee and smokes. Which I liked.
My jaw feels better.
Maybe tomorrow I'll... Nah. Who am I kidding. Tomorrow I'll be apathetic and sad. Like today. And all other days.
I'm not getting stronger, I'm getting ready for a mental institution. Fuck.
Still in bed. Feels so meaningless to get up.
Had breakfast and a cup of tea. Did 20 situps and 20 backlifts or back extensions. Watched Adventure Time. Cut my fingernails. Knitted some.
Bloody hell I'm bored.
Clean sheets in the bed. Feel absolutely drained. Like I just climbed a mountain. I try to drink a lot of water but my throat hurts.
Man I'm whiny.
Gonna lie down for a little while. Caffeine is a total bitch to quit.
Awake again. Dreamed about death.
Watched the last episode of Buffy and cried a bit.
Gonna try to get my shit together now I suppose. Tonight is my last party for a while.
Monday, 1 April 2013
Very difficult to get out of bed. Jaw still hurts like a motherbitch.
First thing after getting up - drank a lot of water. Pulled up the blinds. Took vitamins.
Had strange dreams about evil black robots.
Tired. Get cold sweats. Had to lie down. Feeling a little bit nauseated.
Day one of my new life was surprisingly like my old one.
But! No coffee or cigarettes. My biggest craving has been chocolate. My jaw hurts like F***ING S**T. Cant wait for Easter to be over so that the healthcare place opens again. Or the dentist, I have no idea.
As the title suggests I am going a bit mental but I've been to emotionally drained from last night's panic attack to actually do anything. Tomorrow tho! I'll go buy lots of vegetables and some chicken and yeast free rye bread to start preparing my body for the cleansing thing. Or at least for the much smaller amounts of food I'll be eating as soon as all the detox powders and things arrive. (I ordered it today on the internet.)
Ow ow ow my jaw.
Goodnight! I'm totally proud of myself for surviving a whole day without coffee and smokes.
Sunday, 31 March 2013
- No coffee, one cup of black tea
- No candy or sugar (except for small amounts of added sugar in my food since I don't want to throw out stuff I bought just a couple of days ago...)
- lots and lots of water
Okay, I think Emelie might have shared her cold with me after all, or it's caffeine withdrawal, but I think no workout. I feel dizzy.
Thursday, 28 March 2013
Love makes me a bit bonkers.
Wednesday, 27 March 2013
I miss you, I long for you, I burn for you. I can't stand falling asleep without you for 69 more nights. I can't stand it I can't.
Oh my love. You fill my heart with songs and sweetness. Jam and candy. Sunshine and orange juice. You are the one I want. The one I want to be with, to share stuff with. Watch tv with. Wake up with.
Oh my love. So sharp is the contrast between your warm skin and beautiful smile, your eyes like sunshine through beech leaves in the spring and this cold, hard, icy shithole.
Where people are small and spit their venom like pissed off mosquitoes. Only more meaningless.
Oh love. This place makes me sad. You make me happy. I'll be with you soon.
Thursday, 14 March 2013
This morning I woke up next to you but I won't do that again for at least ten weeks.
I miss you.
I didn't cry on the train on my way home and I spent all day in the workshop, until eight or so. When I walked home the moon was so bright and the night so clear that the sliver of light looked like a blade and the rest of the moon was visible like a shadow behind it and you weren't there to see it. You would have loved it.
When I came up to my room your abscence was so strong. You are not here anymore. You are not in my bed. I'm wearing your scarf and I bury my face in it, trying to feel your smell.
I miss you.
This week has been wonderful. Completely. I'm so happy that I have gotten to spend it with this wonderful person, that he came to me, that he loves me. He's so much fun. I'm happy enough that the sadness is bearable but I'm gonna miss him so much.
Thursday, 7 March 2013
I bought a box of chocolates but forgot it, and I didn't have time to get my laundry from the laundry room and I have no idea what I packed. But I'm on the train and I know what terminal he's arriving to so I think it'll be okay.
I've been extremely absentminded and confused the last couple of days. And I think I'll be even more absentminded in the week to come.
Wednesday, 6 March 2013
Not so much panic right now. I don't really have time any more.
We're going to Tone for dinner and then we're going dancing! After that I'll have to finish packing and pay my bills and fix my hair and take a shower and go to sleep. And in the morning I'm going to the train and then it's just an hours wait at the airport.
And then. Then.
I can't really think about the rest.
Tuesday, 5 March 2013
I have been feeling extremely ugly the last few days, don't know what that is about, normally I think I look pretty nice.
My creativity has some kind of cramp and I have a bit of nausea even. Jeez.
Still I don't feel worried. What's the deal? Why am I so nervous?
Every time we talk my nerves calm right down and I'm just happy to see him. So hopefully that will happen when he gets here.
Until then I need to pack a weekend bag, do some laundry, maybe epilate my legs again (there's a reason for doing it twice! I promise!), finish a shitload of work, bleach my sidecut, move my skis to somewhere where they're not in the way... aaaand I guess that's it? Not sit and hyperventilate constantly?
And oh yeah. I might have bought a new phone last night. I blame the nerves!
Listening to: My Spotify starred list which has a lot of Buraka Som Sistema on it.
Working on: Making paper and clay models of a ring that I'm going to make. And sketches of it. A wedding gift. A large shawl. Metal fake nails.
Monday, 4 March 2013
At the same time I don't THINK that there's anything to be nervous about. That does not seem to make a difference though.
Friday, 1 March 2013
Reading online comics about trying to figure out stuff like sexual orientation and labels and self image and stuff like that, realizing I'm very very lucky to have a mother who never ever tried to pressure me into any sort of label or system or anything else. I don't have a definition of my sexuality and I don't want one. I feel uncomfortable trying to fit into any label, even "harmless" ones like bisexual.
I don't want any labels at all. I'm perfectly fine just being me.
If you feel like you absolutely have to, go with something like this:
Thursday, 28 February 2013
I dreamed that the hotel booking was screwed up. And that he was totally weird in real life. And that I was too. And the hotel and everything was just really horrible.
I want to keep cleaning but I should be in the workshop. Ugh.
So after cleaning for a while I had breakfast (eggs and bacon! Yum!) and the sun was shining. I felt the pep return.
I watched half an episode of true blood with Sanna and when I went out to have a smoke the sun was gone, the wind was wild and it started raining. Yeah. Thanks.
Now I'm back in my room again.
Wednesday, 27 February 2013
Okay, maybe a bit messier than a regular messy room. (All my make up is in order though!)
I've been polishing an old unfinished piece of jewelry.
I've finished watching "The Legend Of Korra".
I've epilated my legs. Oh yes. Really. I had given up completely on keeping my leg hair short but this guy for some reason makes me silly!
I really haven't gotten enough done in the workshop though, and that really bothers me. Maybe tonight.
Now I'm off to eat pancakes!
Saturday, 23 February 2013
Monday, 18 February 2013
No. The Magicians is like a wine-fueled hangover, complete with regrets and misery and sex and awkwardness, plus REAL MAGIC, which isn't really much fun. It's painful and exhausting and powerful and very difficult. In comparison Harry Potter feels like a silly colorful children's book.
The fact that the characters (well, Josh) keeps making sarcastic jokes about Harry Potter is a sweet detail in this amazing web of people growing into bitterness and acceptance and adulthood.
On top of everything the language is absolutely beautiful.
You should read it.
Sunday, 17 February 2013
A year ago I lived here and all these people where a part of my life. I saw them every day, cooked for them, laughed with them, had fights with them.
Staggered home drunk with my best friend, spent long days in bed with him, watched lots of movies, made chilies, drank rum.
I see all these things when I walk here. I see myself taking the kids to day care, I see me and J making drunken snow angels, I see us looking out at the ships singing "lillith victoria!"
Tonight it really hurts to remember all the good times I had with J. The painful memories of summer had just begin to fade into the distance and all the nice memories where the ones that I kept. But as one problem gets solved another got un-solved.
And now, again, after I thought we had gotten through all the crap, he tells me that he doesn't want to see me for some time. Or really keep in touch. After all the shit we went through together, after all the energy we both put into our friendship.
Jealousy is a fucking stupid thing. It's not logical, it's not useful, it's just a need to control others. It's fear pretending to be love. It's wanting to rule. It's selfish and destructive.
Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate.
He's still my friend. But he's not the same person.
Wednesday, 6 February 2013
My belongings own me. I feel like I carry every single thing that I own. It's heavy. It makes me frustrated. It makes me feel trapped. There are so many things, there is so much to remember, so much to deal with.
I know nothing.
Tuesday, 5 February 2013
Everything makes me cry. I feel totally empty.
Monday, 4 February 2013
But what is life without danger? Not an adventure. And life should be an adventure.
Avoiding danger is just being a coward.
It seems I have a boyfriend. It feels strange to explain to people that I love someone whom I have never actually met, but it feels very wonderful to call him mine. He is amazing and I don't feel like we've never met. We've just never actually been at the same place at the same time. I love him madly and ... he loves me. It's wonderful. I can't imagine that someone like him could be - is - in love with me.
I'm very happy.
The last few days has been so intense and crazy and fun.
I have been to parties, chased a thief, met old and new friends, had lots of good food, tasty drinks, spent a lot of time texting my boyfriend, met the most wonderful short people in the world, had cake and so many hugs.
Now I'm finally home and back in my bed.
Home in my room, at school. Not home where my heart is. My heart is in Texas. I never thought that my heart and my home would be in Texas, but life is an adventure. It's amazing.
Wednesday, 30 January 2013
I feel sorry for our nude model. But drawing nudes is lots of fun so that makes the day much better than it would have been otherwise.
In other news I'm insane. I'm totally crazy mad about that sweet wonderful person in Texas. I've never fallen in love over the Internet before and it's strange and a bit scary but wonderful.
Saturday, 26 January 2013
Borde inte somna om men det är varmt och skönt under täcket.
Vill vara i Texas nu. Nu nu nu.
Friday, 25 January 2013
It feels like falling out of a roller-coaster, or having everyone you love and trust turn against you, or getting in a car accident on a road you drive every day and think is safe. And beautiful and fun.
This week has been a fucked up week. I started out pretty happy but on Tuesday I found out that I cause huge problems to the people around me. Why was unclear but is now clearer.
Since then I haven't been able to do anything but cry and sleep a chemically induced sleep. Last night I decided that I won't let this keep me down. I'm strong and my heart is whole and I will get through it.
This morning a couple of things happened that made my resolve weaken but then some other things happened that made it stronger again. (The first thing was someone I trust who told me that... Well, pretty much that I was slightly mentally disabled and had to move out, or else everyone else in the house would. The second one was a lovely Texan who got so mad that he actually started saying "y'all".)
When the going gets tough, I also get tough. When the wind gets cold I knit a new hat. I'm going to get through this, one way or another. Even though it feels really hard right now.
Sunday, 20 January 2013
Pengar kärlek vänner skapande inspiration, allt stressar mig och överallt finns magi och mirakel och stjärnor och överallt finns mörker och skräck. Ögonen vänjer sig aldrig, känslorna blir så många, så starka. Hjärtat känns till slut bara trasigt och jag är trött och ledsen trots att allt är rätt okej.
Jag hatar att bli påverkad av en annan människa. Jag hatar det. Hatar hatar hatar att känna mig ledsen över att inte få prata med honom. Hatar mig själv och hatar känslan. Jag vill vara i kontroll.
I kontroll över mina känslor och min ekonomi och mitt liv.
Ingen slutkläm. Ingen punchline. Bara förvirring.
I wake up in the middle of the night and the house is alive, people are cooking and talking and I sit and eat and talk, and then they fall asleep and I stay awake. Reality get's a bit softer.
I hear sounds through the music in my headphones but when I take them of there is only silence.
I dream of harmony in chaos, sex and food, mad priests and love.
Saturday, 12 January 2013
Rules of Civility by Amor Towles is a wonderful story set in 1938. It's shimmering like dusty diamonds, ice and cigarette smoke. Vibrant and gripping.
Octopus Pie by Meredith Gran is a funny and harsh comic about a group of people. I can't really say much more but there's a lot. Magical adventures, drunken mistakes, worries about love and money and drugs and cats.
Johnny Wander is another comic, by Ananth Panagariya and Yuko Ota. It's a biography-comic I guess? They make it about their life. It has cats and coffee and everyday stuff. It's very sweet and well made.
I love travelling and I dream about it all the time but NY is a city I never really found fascinating. It seems to have a magical magnetism but it never really gripped me. It seems too large and noisy and, well... I don't know. Not interesting? I dream about New Orleans and San Fransisco and ... Canada. I want to go back to Hawaii. Or... I don't know. The last year or so all travel has been so stressful that I hardly want to leave my room. I want to be here. I want to be here until june and then I want to get on a plane and go to Houston. And try to not totally freak out.
Friday, 11 January 2013
Monday, 7 January 2013
Friday, 4 January 2013
And when I get that feeling I love life so much. And I smoke cigarettes and drink coffee and smile.
Anyways I'm gonna save up my money and do stuff. I'm gonna talk to people I love and I'm gonna make sure that cute guy comes to visit. I'm gonna get rid of shit I don't need and save the good stuff.
Fuck everything. Forget everything. Love everything.
Att inte kalla sig feminist är i mina ögon att ignorera allt feminismen gjort för mänskligheten. Varför vill man göra det? Som kvinna och icke-feminist - vilken del av feminismen stör dig? Är det biten där din pappa inte får sälja dig? Biten där det är olagligt att våldta dig? Biten där ditt värde efter en våldtäkt sjunker så mycket så att du inte kommer bli gift? Är det rösträtten? Rätten att äga saker? Rätten att ha byxor? Rätten att köra bil utan att en man går framför bilen med en flagga? Rätten till utbildning? Rätten att jobba? Är det det där med att ha lika hög lön som männen på din arbetsplats som verkar jobbigt?
Män som inte vill kalla sig feminister, vad är ert problem? Vill ni äga kvinnor? Hindra dem från att utrycka sig? Vad?
Vill man ha jämställdhet så är man antagligen feminist. Är man rädd för ordet så är det okej - läs på lite och släpp det. Vi behöver feminism. Allihopa. Vi behöver våga vara feminister. Vi behöver våga reagera på de enorma orättvisor som finns i världen.
Thursday, 3 January 2013
"Do you like me?"
"I do. A whole lot."
Jag fnittrar och blir tillfälligt nöjd. Han lovar att komma hit. Han skräms inte bort när jag är konstig eller krävande. När jag säger att jag inte kommer duscha på två veckor eller att jag gillar filmer han inte gillar eller när jag är berusad och inte lyssnar på honom.
Jag blir lugn, tillfälligt.
Idag är jag bakfull. Igår festade vi i tolv timmar. Vi åt middag, efterrätt, kanstanjer och paj. Vi drack rött vin och vitt vin och mousserande vin och öl och cider. Vi lyssnade på musik och sjöng och skrattade. En bra kväll.
Idag åkte Kim hem till Stockholm. Jag har sovit större delen av dagen och funderar på att göra det igen.