Monday, 22 April 2013
I couldn't get out of bed. I could not motivate myself to go make breakfast. I had zero energy.
I DID do my workout tho! And took a shower. Maybe I should focus on that. Hah.
Spent all day in front of my computer. Watching YouTube things. Funny things and meaningless things. Meaningless day. Barely ate anything. Didn't do anything.
My back aches and I feel empty inside and I stayed up too late and ugh.
Just took one of my new meds. It's called cirkadin and it's a melatonin... Something. It's supposed to make me sleep better during the night so that I can stay awake in the daytime. I think.
Thursday, 18 April 2013
My brain is such a DICK.
Anyways it's now early morning and I figure a couple of hours of sleep before breakfast can't hurt.
Tuesday, 16 April 2013
I talked to my contact person today, and managed to work out at least one of the issues that have been worrying me. About that sweet man. I can't really explain it now though. It seems distant and strange now.
I paid my bills. I talked to people about stuff. I got some important info. I feel good about myself.
I like my contact. She's good.
I love my boyfriend. I'm gonna kiss him. On his face. I love his face.
I don't hate myself today. He makes me happy, and as scary as that is it doesn't have to be a bad thing. It has to be okay. He is sweet and kind and he loves me. Me. How can that not make me happy? How can that not be totally awesome?
Monday, 15 April 2013
At first I feel fine, but suddenly dark thoughts pop up in my head, from nowhere.
I hate myself. I hate myself I hate myself I hate my life. I can't. Can't go on. Can't.
I feel betrayed by these thoughts. By my mind for letting them in without letting me know. I want to cry because I do not feel that way. My life is nice. I like myself. I'm a great person.
But I'm not here, I'm insecure and a bit awkward and I don't like that part of myself. This is not me. I'm not me here. I forget things, important things. I get so tired and I can't go on I can't can't can't
I can't do stuff, important stuff, I can't make important calls and pay bills and hang laundry and clean my room and I can't even do stuff I want to. Like read books and stuff. Paint, knit, embroidery. I just don't have any energy left at all. I want to sleep. Just sleep.
I get tired of diets. I quit eating bread but a couple of days later that's all I have. I quit eating sugar but then the weekend comes and I make a cake. I turn off the movie I'm watching to pay bills but my mind starts swimming and I can hardly keep my eyes open. I just can't. I can't.
And I hate myself for it. And the hate burns up everything else and I can't convince myself that I'm strong and that I can do anything. And again the feeling of guilt, like I'm tricking him. Nothing will be okay. Nothing will work. It's just mean to him to make him trust me, I fucking suck. How can I do this to him? I love him, I can't. I can't let him get poisoned by whatever is poisoning me. By my poison, the poison that I am. I can't. Can't.
I feel nothing now, everything is getting numb. My head hurts a little and I'm getting more dizzy, it feels like I haven't slept for days. I have to lie down. I need rest.
I am a failure. I'm a bad person. Something is wrong with me.
This happens inside me on a daily basis. Not all the time. But often after I eat. So I do believe something that I eat is making me sad. Depressed. Tired. But I have no energy to try to figure anything out.
I am going to go lie down for a little while.
Friday, 12 April 2013
I'm trying to get up. But I feel emotional and everything is ... Bad. I'm angry and sad and I'm not sure why. My head is still full of strange dreams and my heart is full of fear and doubt.
I feel like I'm a rocket. I don't know where I'm headed but it's going fast and I'm not sure if I'll survive the landing.
Thursday, 11 April 2013
Oh and I re-watched season four of sons of anarchy and realized that I might not have seen the last episodes. And I didn't even HAVE the very last one.
I miss my man. I think about him a lot. He's wonderful.
I feel a bit better now. Not good, but a little better.
I'm trying to cheer myself up by thinking about the person that I love. Who loves me back. Like a light in the darkness.
Don't want to do this diet thing anymore. Want bread and coffee and cigarettes. Now.
I think actually today is a day when I actually do smoke a cigarette.
School was okay I guess, worked on the conceptual wedding jewelry. I feel pretty good about it. Lunch was so crazy good, meat things with sauce and jam and stuff. My favorite type of food. I put a shitload of salad on top of it though. Guess that's something.
And then the sleep, and with the sleep the dreams. First off I was two guys. Who was somehow clones or something. Using a magic chalk piece or something they traveled to a strange different dimension where people tried to kill them. I/They saw everything double, pictures changed as you looked at them, texts was altered, colors distorted, everything like a hysterical hallucination in bright colors. I/They got dizzy and confused and fell over and lost their chalk pieces and never got home and started thinking that maybe that was okay, maybe this was how it was supposed to end.
I dragged myself into consciousness and tried to text Ben but I fell back asleep and everything got even worse. Sensitive readers should skip this. Really.
I was a man this time - only one though. I met a girl and really liked her. We were in a horrible accident. When I came to I was under water, floating, and she was beside me. Her body was torn apart at the waist. Her guts where everywhere, spreading out from her body like some kind of bloody tentacles. Her arms where twisted in impossible ways and the top of her head was missing. She was floating towards me and I was terrified and wanted to get away, but my body didn't move. I saw myself for a moment, like I caught a glimpse of myself out of the corner of my eye. I was terrified again because at first I thought I saw myself smiling, but I quickly realized that my jaw had been torn off and the muscles of my face where being pulled and stretched in bizarre ways. I tried to move my arms but realized that they too where twisted in horrible angles and when I tried using my legs to get away from her body that was now touching mine I saw that they where ripped off at the knees. I knew I was dead. Just like the woman next to me, my body had been crushed and killed. So why was I conscious?
A while later I am standing (how?) on a sidewalk. People on bicycles and in cars drive in big half circles as they pass to get as far away as possible. It went on to be a massive zombie apocalypse. I tried to stop it even though I was one of them. I was failing and tried to make myself wake up but it took several tries before I managed. I still feel completely fucked up. I don't want to go back to sleep but I'm tired and sad. I don't know why I'm sad.
Anyways I ate a salad for dinner so that's good. I guess. My head hurts. I'm drinking lot's of water. My vitamins and things arrived at Ben's today so hopefully he'll send them to me soon.
Tuesday, 9 April 2013
Monday, 8 April 2013
But I don't really know how yet. I called my doctor today. School is back on, easter break over. Still no cigarettes though I was close today and no coffee. I feel a little bit less sleepy today than usual.
I have been drinking at least one cup of coffee every day for years. Not sure how many, six maybe? At least six. Maybe seven. Every day. Today is maybe my tenth day without coffee. And it feels pretty good.
People ask why I stopped drinking coffee (in Sweden that's almost a faux pas) and even though there's a pretty long explanation I feel a bit perplex. Why the hell not?
Now I'm gonna go eat chinese food with the nerds.
Thursday, 4 April 2013
Today I got up before noon again. I felt happy.
I cut off another third of my hair, looked at tumblrs for a while and had breakfast. Today I had unsweetened "sour milk" (which is a Swedish thing that is not at all as disgusting as it sounds, it's a bit like yogurt) with fruit muesli.
Thinking about vlogging. Today feels like a good day. Gonna make stew tonight. Yeeees.
So today was GREAT. I stayed awake all day. I went to the workshop. I went to Rättvik with Kajsa and bought some yarn. (Not really needed perhaps but pretty. A very nice linen cotton something (rayon? No. Viscose maybe) blend that I'm gonna make a lace scarf of. My first real lace project! Scary and exiting.
I had tasty wonderful pizza, maybe for the last time in a long time, and I bought SO much vegetables! Oh my gosh. All the vegetables.
Gonna be healthy.
Getting sleepy now.
Talked to the best boyfriend ever for a while and played computer games and talked to friends and watched YouTube stuff and trailers for coming movies.
Uh. Almost sleeping now. Goodnight bots. I love you bots.
Wednesday, 3 April 2013
I'm up before noon. My jaw is even better today. I'm going to Houston in 61 days. Life doesn't feel so meaningless today.
I talked to Maria last night and she's the sweetest person. Just talking to her always lifts my mood, even if its about silly things or nothing at all. It's impossible to feel lonely or unloved with a friend like her.
Today I'm gonna be alive. I think I've slept enough.
Whoa! I actually feel... ! I feel things. No apathy at the moment! WOOOOOOOO
So I had a few sandwiches with cheese for breakfast. Tiredness came back. Ugh.
Tuesday, 2 April 2013
I've gone to bed again. I've been so tired today. But now I can't sleep, only cry. (Partly because I watched grave of the fireflies and it was crazy sad. Didn't even really like it much. Partly because I feel so extremely alone.)
Everything feels meaningless. This new life is starting to feel like the old one minus coffee and smokes. Which I liked.
My jaw feels better.
Maybe tomorrow I'll... Nah. Who am I kidding. Tomorrow I'll be apathetic and sad. Like today. And all other days.
I'm not getting stronger, I'm getting ready for a mental institution. Fuck.
Still in bed. Feels so meaningless to get up.
Had breakfast and a cup of tea. Did 20 situps and 20 backlifts or back extensions. Watched Adventure Time. Cut my fingernails. Knitted some.
Bloody hell I'm bored.
Clean sheets in the bed. Feel absolutely drained. Like I just climbed a mountain. I try to drink a lot of water but my throat hurts.
Man I'm whiny.
Gonna lie down for a little while. Caffeine is a total bitch to quit.
Awake again. Dreamed about death.
Watched the last episode of Buffy and cried a bit.
Gonna try to get my shit together now I suppose. Tonight is my last party for a while.
Monday, 1 April 2013
Very difficult to get out of bed. Jaw still hurts like a motherbitch.
First thing after getting up - drank a lot of water. Pulled up the blinds. Took vitamins.
Had strange dreams about evil black robots.
Tired. Get cold sweats. Had to lie down. Feeling a little bit nauseated.
Day one of my new life was surprisingly like my old one.
But! No coffee or cigarettes. My biggest craving has been chocolate. My jaw hurts like F***ING S**T. Cant wait for Easter to be over so that the healthcare place opens again. Or the dentist, I have no idea.
As the title suggests I am going a bit mental but I've been to emotionally drained from last night's panic attack to actually do anything. Tomorrow tho! I'll go buy lots of vegetables and some chicken and yeast free rye bread to start preparing my body for the cleansing thing. Or at least for the much smaller amounts of food I'll be eating as soon as all the detox powders and things arrive. (I ordered it today on the internet.)
Ow ow ow my jaw.
Goodnight! I'm totally proud of myself for surviving a whole day without coffee and smokes.