Friday, 31 January 2014
Thursday, 30 January 2014
Varje dag läser jag om orättvisor mot kvinnor.Varje dag ser jag hur samhället cirkulerar kring att kontrollera kvinnor. Varje dag hör jag hur trötta och arga kvinnor är på att vara fast i en sjuk struktur. Varje dag känner jag att jag inte orkar längre. Men det jag inte orkar med är inte outbildade eller naiva män, det är inte sexism i media, det är inte våld, sexbrott och hot, det är absolut inte feminismen.
Det är kvinnor som inte bryr sig.
Varje dag ser jag kvinnor som inte bryr sig. Kvinnor som inte bryr sig om att de är underordnade. Kvinnor som inte bryr sig om att de dansar efter patriarkatets pipa. Kvinnor som inte bryr sig om andra kvinnor. Som inte bryr sig om alla de kvinnosakskvinnor som kämpat för deras rättigheter i tidigare generationer. Som inte bryr sig om flickor som gifts bort när de är sju eller som säljs eller prostitueras eller bara glöms bort. Kvinnor som hjälper till att hålla den här skeva maktstrukturen på plats. Kvinnor som talar om för mig att jag borde lägga ner, att jag är tröttsam. Kvinnor som tycker att de hör hemma i köket och att alla andra kvinnor också gör det. Kvinnor som blir arga för att jag är högljudd och tar plats. Kvinnor som inte vill kalla sig feminister.
Varje dag ser jag all jävla orättvisa och alla de som kämpar med mig, och varje dag blir det mer och mer tydligt att kvinnornas största fiende är vi själva.
Men jag tror på oss. På oss allihopa. Vi kan. Vi kan enas. Vi kan kämpa. Vi kan hålla varandra om ryggen. Vi kan och vi måste. En jämställd värld är möjlig.
Every day I am bombarded by angry voices from my sisters. Every day I read about the injustices against women. Every day I see how society circles around the control of women. Every day I hear how tired and angry women are, to be stuck in a diseased structure. Every day I feel that I can not cope anymore.
But what I can not cope with is not uneducated or naive men, it is not sexism in the media, it is not violence, sex crimes and threats, it is certainly not feminism.
It is women who do not care.
Every day I see women who do not care. Women who do not care about that they are subordinate. Women who do not care that they are dancing after the pipes of Patriarchy.Women who do not care about other women. Who do not care about all the feminists who fought for their rights in previous generations. Who does not care about girls who are married off when they are seven or sold or prostituted or just forgotten. Women who help keep this skewed power structure in place. Women who tell me that I should just let go, that I'm tiresome. Women who feel that they belong in the kitchen and that all other women do too. Women who become angry because I'm loud and take up space. Women who do not want to call themselves feminists .
Every day I see all the fucking injustice and all those who fight with me, and every day it becomes more and more evident that women's greatest enemy is ourselves .
But I believe in us. In us all. We can. We can unite. We can fight side by side.
We can have each others backs. We can and we must. An equal world is possible.
Wednesday, 29 January 2014
Monday, 27 January 2014
I'm wrestling a huge monstrosity of self doubt. I feel like I wouldn't have an original idea if my life was on the line. I'm a hack. I have no education and no goals and nothing. I fail at everything and I have these vain dreams that mean nothing at all. I'm never going to be anything.
Hopelessness wraps itself around me like a wet, cold woolen blanket. Why do I think I can be something? Why do I fool myself?
In other news I have two boyfriends now. Double loved but still self loathing. So stupid.
Monday, 20 January 2014
Thursday, 16 January 2014
I'm managing. I'm doing okay. I don't want to be dead.
I try to keep busy enough to not have time to think too much but not so busy that I become an emotional cripple from stress. So I do one or two things every day.
Yesterday I met my mom for coffee, and managed to only cry a little bit. And I went on a date! With a guy from OkCupid. It was a lot of fun. I guess we clicked. Had so much to talk about that the hours just flew by.
Dating while in a relationship is a bit confusing, but when your boyfriend is amazing and also a wonderful friend it's not that bad. I don't want to break up with him. Not even after meeting other people who I really like being with.
I spent the night in Copenhagen which was fun and felt like an adventure. Having a different country 20 minutes away is funny. I'm hoping on having at least one night out in Copenhagen some time soon.
Dina came by and visited today and that was also great. Again time passed quickly which I think is a good sign. When I feel very sad time moves really slowly, whatever I'm doing.
Tomorrow I'm meeting an old friend for coffee at 11 so it's time I went to sleep. It's 02:00!
Saturday, 11 January 2014
I wish I had killed myself already. Two years ago, when I started wanting to. I would have spared so many people so much pain and bullshit. I wish the last few years of my life could just not have happened.
I can't deal with this. I can't. It hurts so much.
I'm a miserable worthless piece of shit. I bring nothing but suffering to others. I hate myself.
Friday, 10 January 2014
Thursday, 9 January 2014
I went for a little run. Five or ten minutes. Now I can't breathe. Can you get asthma from jogging? Or am I just in that bad shape? Jeez.
I bought a sports bra yesterday. It was cheap and I could afford it. Kinda.
So yeah. Now I hope running works better tomorrow. Time for a shower.
So check both! Because reasons!
But I'll try to post links here when I update the other one.
One of the interesting things I've realized is that I usually don't finish projects. Now I have a reason to finish ALL my projects! NEAT-O!
Wednesday, 8 January 2014
I'm doing my makeup, drinkung coffee and listening to the be good tanyas. They don't make happy music but it's still bloody great.
I've been sad for a few days. I'm still sad. But I'm doing the things that need to be done. I don't know how I manage to do it but I do.
The line is from a song by the National and it plays over and over again in my head. Don't know why but it's better than wham so whatever.
I'm tired again. Tired of myself, my life. I despise myself.
Soon three weeks since I got out of the hospital and everything is so difficult. Everything.
I don't want anything. I don't want my life. I hate myself.
I'm in bed. I should sleep.
Monday, 6 January 2014
My good feeling is gone today. I feel tired and sad and everything is difficult and meaningless. I don't have the energy to fight.
But I have to. Tomorrow is the first day of the first week of the new year. Kind of. I have to go and do stuff with papers and stuff and it's so difficult and horrible. I don't want to. I have bills to try and get money to pay and a ton of paperwork to take care of and I DON'T WANT TO. I don't have any energy for it. I want to go to sleep tonight and never ever wake up again. I'm a miserable failure. I hate myself. I hate my life. I don't even have a good reason to hate it, even when it's difficult I have friends who care about me and stuff but it doesn't matter, I hate it anyway. Everything is meaningless.
I don't know what it is that I feel, accomplishment maybe? I usually have a lot of projects going on and some of them never get finished. Finishing one thing every day is great so far, even if it's just a few days. I feel proud and I want to finish stuff. All my ideas and projects make me feel happy instead of sad. Sometimes my creativity makes me sad. When I can't make things.
It's hard to explain. I'll try again when it's not super late.
I'm also going to go running tomorrow! I'm going to do it! Maybe it will just be that one time, and that's okay.
Tomorrow I'll also post pictures of the finished bag! And a couple of bonus projects.
Today I watched waayyyy too many episodes of orphan black and it was awesome but now it's super late!
Sunday, 5 January 2014
Saturday, 4 January 2014
It's day four and I'm doing research for today's project. Might not be able to make the thing I wanted to make, which is a bag. So I might need to come up with a new idea. We'll see where the research takes me, maybe a small purse? Maybe a new paper clay animal? Maybe a ... Drawing?
Sitter ensam på en tom buss. Det är lördag morgon och jag är på väg hem.
Fick nån sorts magsjukeattack igår. Något av det jävligaste jag upplevt på väldigt länge. Kunde knappt stå upp efteråt och sov hos min kompis. Nu är klockan nio och jag ska hem och fortsätta sova i min egen säng. Ska bli så skönt.
När jag vaknar ska jag bada.
Friday, 3 January 2014
So I've been thinking about what to make for day three and I decided to take my very small funds and go to panduro and have a look. It's not the best craft supply store and definitely not the cheapest but they might have some inspiration for me if nothing else. I have two ideas and for both I need some stuff...
Good morning. It's two in the afternoon and I woke up a couple of hours ago but I feel like it was ten minutes ago. I'm drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette.
My friend Kim is here, we're thinking about going in to town for a bit before he goes back to Stockholm. He visited me in Leksand last new years eve and now in Malmö. Good stuff.
Thursday, 2 January 2014
I made a skirt! Its a very simpel cirkle pattern with an old t shirt as a hem. The whole thing was finished so fast I didn't even have time to take process pics. Some measuring, some cutting and some sawing and voila! Done.
Two layers soft pink tulle and a simple "yoga"-ish hem. I'm very pleased.
I stayed up late. Really late. Maybe until four in the morning. And I'm waking up now, at half past two. That's about ten hours. The minimum of hours I sleep. Often it's 12. If I try to wake up earlier it just doesn't work.
This is possibly one of the many interesting side effects of my new medicine. Among the others are feeling dizzy a lot and sometimes a feeling like my blood pressure falls.
At least I don't want to kill myself when I take them. So it's all totally worth it.
My first day of my 2014 creativity challenge/resolution. It's the swedish word for "c*nt". I chose it because I want to try to change the way we use the word. I want it to be a good word, because it is a good thing. The lettering is (actually not intentionally) made to look like the word "like" and I like that detail.
Vaginas are amazing.